Once a woman is married, the most common question she seems to be asked is, โSo, when are you going to start having kids?โ Once a woman has had her first baby, people feel the need to ask her when sheโs going to have more. Why do we as a society think this is an okay question to ask someone? I myself was guilty of this, even after I had my own children. I learned the hard way though that this is an extremely personal question that shouldnโt be asked so flippantly.
My fertility dreams died at the age of 29.
I was pregnant with my third son when I found out I had to have an emergency hysterectomy immediately after his birth. It was a life or death situation, so I didnโt hesitate with the decision. It was a very hard pill to swallow though; I never dreamed the door to having more children would be shut in my face so abruptly and at such a young age. After the birth of my son, many people who didnโt know what had happened asked me the inevitable, โSo, are you going to have more kids?โ Or my favorite, โAre you going to try for a girl next time?โ It was at this point in my life when I realized how hurtful and offensive this question was; despite what I wanted, babies werenโt in the cards for me anymore. I would lightly brush them off by saying, โNo, weโre done and happy with our three boys,โ but internally I wanted to cry every time it was asked.
It was also at this point in my life that I realized every woman, no matter her circumstances, has her own fertility story.
It doesnโt take a surprise hysterectomy for that question to hurt someone. Many, many women struggle daily with getting pregnant. They see one doctor after another, take monthly treatments, pay lots of money out of pocket for IVF, and pray every day for a baby that doesnโt come. These women would give anything to have a child, so they donโt need the constant reminder that they donโt have one when asked that question.
Some women are perfectly content with the number of children they have. Whether itโs one, two, five, or fifteen, some families donโt feel the need to keep adding babies to their home, even if they are young enough to keep doing so. Many women donโt have the financial ability to add another mouth to feed, so theyโve stopped with a number with which theyโre comfortable. Some women have their hands full with the children theyโve got, so they stop to save their sanity. Occasionally, even after having one or two babies rather easily, unknown fertility issues arise, and despite desperately wanting to add more children to the mix, it just doesnโt happen.
Many families are deep in the trenches of adoption with no end in sight. These women are moving heaven and earth to get a baby, but sometimes the door doesnโt open. Other times medical issues, previous high-risk pregnancies, and the need to stay healthy enough to care for the children they have trumps the want to have more. And, sometimes, women choose not to have any children at all. Careers and personal choice often take a front seat during the childbearing years, and thatโs okayโฆnot all women are called to be mothers, and thatโs their choice.
As tactful adults, we have a running mental list of questions and topics that shouldnโt be asked or discussed in public, but for some odd reason, โWhen are you having kids?โ isnโt on that list. No matter what situation or circumstances surround a womanโs fertility, itโs a deeply personal issue between her and her family, not a hot-button issue up for debate with a casual acquaintance. If a woman wants to discuss why she has or hasnโt had kids yet, or if sheโs adding more to her family, she will. Join in the discussion if she brings it up, but be sensitive and sympathetic to what she has to say. If she doesnโt broach the subject, just let it go.
Great post Cassidy!!!
Amen, Cassidy! Thisbis an excellent piece that I wish everyone could read and take to heart. I always knew I was meant to be a mama and wanted a family. However, that wasn’t in the cards for me through traditional means. Being asked that question (When are you going to start having babies?)for 10 years, while keeping our struggle completely private, was an awful reminder of just how “broken” my body was. Thankfully, we found great doctors, helpful friends, and the Lord provided our sweet boy to us through different means. I never knew how many people struggle with fertility issues until after we had our son. I’ve met so many in that same situation since then. I’ll never again ask the question, ” When are you going to start having babies?”.
Great article Cassidy…..
Love ya girl! So thankful you came into my world and now I can call you my friend! Keep writing! Keep sharing! Keep inspiring the inner authors inside of many of us!
Good read Cassidy. You told your story well.
Great writing, Cassidy. You have the gift!!๐๐
THANK YOU! Now, letโs have this conversation around breast vs bottle. After my first adoption, when I was feeding my son in public with a bottle, there were a few times other mothers would mention to me how important breast feeding was to my son, not realizing that I would have given just about anything to be able to breastfeed my son.
Comments are closed.