Have you ever been in a season where it felt like you were living groundhog day over and over again? Where you struggle to find joy in the things you once enjoyed? Where you just want to do something other than whatever it is you are doing?
I came to the realization recently that I’m struggling with something, but I’m not quite sure how to explain it except that I just feel blah. Sometimes, I open up my podcast app and I just scroll for something to listen to but nothing is enticing. I’ve started several audio and paperback books but haven’t finished them because I’m meh abotu them. I’m at the point where I hate all the clothes I have and dread having to go certain places at times because of how I look. I’m not overweight, but I’ve become keenly aware of certain parts of my body lately. I’ve probably always had the insecurity, but it’s just more heightened now. Most mornings, my oldest asks where we are going that day and I tell her nowhere because we have to eat breakfast. The truth is I hadn’t even thought past breakfast.
I’m thinking, why do we need to go somewhere?
The twins turned 2.5 and I can see their imaginations growing. They’ve started playing on their own and making up little stories with their trains, cooking meals in their kitchen, and playing with dolls. It’s great, truly wonderful, but at the same time it feels like I’m breaking up fight after fight between them some days. I try my best to not turn the TV on in the morning, but sometimes I have to in order for them to settle down and so that I can focus on getting things ready to leave the house. I find I’m getting overwhelmed, frustrated, and short more quickly by all the things. I have been noticing it sooner so I can remove myself from the situation if needed, but then they follow me or scream “mom, mom, MOM!” Honestly, I’m exhausted, to the point where I’ve set my alarm clock to wake early in order to exercise or have a little more time for me, but I end up turning it off and going back to sleep. Sometimes, without even realizing, I’ve turned it off.
I don’t know where to go from here, but I believe I’ve taken the first step in acknowledging that something is wrong or out of place in my mental space.
A few people have said maybe I need a weekend to myself to get away, but it’s not as simple as that. Maybe I need to start a new wardrobe and find things that I feel confident in, but when do I have time to go clothes shopping? It’s not always as easy shopping online for women as it is for men. Maybe I need a counselor or a good friend to just listen. Maybe I should start a journal where I write down one good thing that happened that day. Maybe I need a fun photoshoot or bake through a cookbook like in the movie Julia and Julia, to give myself some excitement and creativity. I know life isn’t and won’t always be full of surprises and fun every day and that it’s a lot of routine and mundane, especially with kids because they thrive on that. Maybe I’m someone that needs structure and planning too in order to help my mental state. I don’t know, but I know that I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like I’m failing my family and friends because of it.