The ABCs of Motherhood


The ABCs of Motherhood

Kindergarten has changed a lot over the years. The year I started school, we only did a flannel board about the weather, played dress-up, had show and tell, milk and cookies and then we’d all go home. Nowadays, I hear they add Algebra and English Literature in before lunch, right?

I jest, but seriously, kindergarten wasn’t complicated, or even long. It was simply fun. Before climbing on the bus, the teacher would line us up to sing our ABCs. I can still remember standing behind one of my classmates who didn’t seem to know the song. I remember thinking she must not be very smart. I didn’t go to preschool, but by golly, I certainly knew my ABCs and more, before that half day of kindergarten fun in the fall of 1980.

Clearly I was a bit of an arrogant five-year-old. My mother used to joke that she hoped I’d someday have a child just like me so I’d understand all that she went through. My ABC prowess (and attitude) followed me into adulthood. I’ve always been pretty ace at alphabetizing stuff. Once at a temp job where I literally filed papers all day for some extra cash, I asked a supervisor for another stack of records, so that I could file several things at the same time. He threw me a glance and mumbled something about it being too complicated. (Insert eye roll emoji ad nauseam.) He’d obviously underestimated both my competence as a temp and my ability to alphabetize. Yet for the peanuts they paid me, I finished the job in record time, and then promptly set out to find a better paying one.

It’s good to know your ABCs.

Like my five-year-old self, I sometimes still think I’m smarter than the person in front of me, but motherhood has thrown me down a peg or two. Being a mom isn’t for the faint of heart — some days my child nearly breaks me. Then other days, he sings out at the top of his voice: ‘A is for Apple, ah, ah, APPLE!’ and I remember that at least he too knows his ABCs. He’ll be fine.

Us moms? We’re crushing it too. We go through a lot as parents. In case you’ve forgotten though, I wrote you an ABC song to remind you.

The ABCs of Motherhood

A is for Anxiety from the moment you see that test.
B is for Boobs that are now enormous on your chest.

C is for Contractions that send you searching on the net.
D is for Drama thanks to hormones, on that you can safely bet.

E is for Eczema, Facebook’s diagnosis for that rash.
F is for Friends who threw your baby shower bash.

G is for Gargantuan, that’s how it feels to be you.
H is for Hallelujah, baby’s coming soon, it’s true.

I is for Intelligence, you think you know it all.
J is for Judgment, your sanctimommy reign will soon fall.

K is for Kids, you weren’t even sure you’d have them.
L is for Laundry, the piles are pure mayhem.

M is for Mama, the name your child gives you.
N is for Netflix, late-night binging with your boo.

O is for Ogre when you don’t get your morning coffee.
P is for Poop, sometimes diaper contents look like toffee.

Q is for Quarantine when someone has the flu.
R is for Rx and thank God for the drive-through.

S is for Silence that makes you question where they’ve gone.
T is for Trajectory, they couldn’t just vomit on the lawn?

U is for UPS, is that an Amazon box I see?
V is for Vacuum, why doesn’t a maid come for free?

W is for Where’s Waldo when you’re looking for your phone.
X is for Xerox, when you wish you had a clone.

Y is for Yawn, is it finally time to sleep?
Z is for Zombie, because in parenting, we’re all tired and knee-deep.

Now we know our ABCs, it’s time to finish this story, you see.