As a mom of three in different age groups, I’ve seen my fair share of issues pertaining to each age. I’ve taught high school for almost twenty years and that’s one area I find to be the most interesting and challenging. My daughter turned 15 last year and many days I am unsure of which 15-year old version I’ll get. Will it be the talkative, social butterfly we all know and love? Or will it be some irritated quiet version that thinks we are all annoying? Some days I may never know.
What I do know is that the ebbs and flows of the teenage brain are common and I’m not alone when sometimes I don’t know what to do. I also know that while many of her feelings and experiences I experienced myself 25 years ago, the world in which she navigates those feelings is totally different.
I think we all want to hide our children from the pains of the world as much as we can. We want them to have the opportunity to just be kids. While this seems easy to do in theory, our kids are bombarded with messages that don’t always fit our own morals and ideals. What I have learned in years in education and years in parenting is never say what your kids won’t do. Social media has made us privy to the highlight reels of other’s lives. The joys and celebrations, the good times. Most people aren’t posting that their kids have been arrested or that they may be failing two classes or that they got in trouble in school. But these things are happening all around us. The question on how we navigate those moments is what makes the difference.
I didn’t grow up in an era where my life was on full display for others to see. If I spoke to my friends, it was on a house phone and managed by my parents. I had to sneak on the phone after they had gone to bed to talk to boys (sorry, mom). It took a lot of effort, time, and sneakiness on my part to be able to do that. Now, communication between teenagers is at the push of a button, video call or text message. I am willing to bet your teen has seen more inappropriate things online in 10 minutes than you had in all of your teens years. How do you combat this? You don’t. You know things exist and you have conversations around these issues. You have to.
There will be plenty of open, honest, and hard conversations you have to have with your teens. I also guarantee that most of those conversations have nothing to do with the morals and ideals you have instilled in your kids. They have to do with how our world works. Many times, I’ve found that the word “inappropriate” is subjective. I couldn’t imagine posting my college party days online for all to see. However, documenting your day-to-day activities for millions to view is part of this generation’s cultural identity. The difference is that they are not wired to see the lasting consequences of certain behaviors being highlighted. And that’s where you come in.
Here are some things I’ve learned from being in the classroom with your kids and being at home with mine:
1. Yes, it’s a big deal. I find myself saying, “It’s not that crucial” so much to my daughter. But to her, it is. It matters what her hair looks like. It matters when she’s upset with a friend. While so many things seem trivial to me, they are important to her.
2. Watch the judgment. If you have the openness to talk to your teens, you have to watch the judgment. A roll of the eye or a deep sigh when talking to your teens can change the way the conversation goes. Teenagers pick up on social and body cues even more than what you say. If you seem upset or judgmental about their thoughts and opinions, it’s easy for them to just go to a friend and vent.
3. Silence is golden. The many times I wanted to ask my daughter, “What’s wrong?” or “Why are you so quiet?” is insane. What I have realized is that the car rides where she has her headphones in and is quiet don’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. I have to rely on my intuition to intervene when it’s necessary, not every time she doesn’t want to talk.
4. They don’t need anymore friends. They need a parent. No matter what happens, life is hard for us all. And the world won’t make anything easy for our young adults. So yes, you need to clean up after yourself and yes, there are consequences for not doing your chores. No matter how overwhelmed I get in my adult life, I am still expected to perform at work.
5. Talk in their love language. This age can be weird about hugs and emotions as they navigate their own. Find out how they liked to be loved and embrace where they are.
