Every now and then, my husband and I would discuss maybe having another baby. We have been blessed with three healthy boys in our family. I never really wanted to try to have a girl until the reality of my biological clock hit me at my annual OBGYN visit last year when I was 40.
“The rest of your body might not know your age, but your eggs always do,” my doctor shared while recommending that we try as soon as possible. Still, I thought I was different.
Even if we were going to try, it would have to be several months from that appointment. I was in graduate school, my graduation was approaching that following August, and I had a major school-related trip to Europe planned for the following summer. Right then would have not been a good time to get pregnant.
Fast-forward a year: I am just months away from my graduation and that trip to Europe, so I decided to discuss this again with my doctor and to ask if any blood tests could be run to look into my fertility. I wasn’t really concerned because I had gotten pregnant each time we tried (which really wasn’t that long ago), and I felt younger than my age.
But I was in for a surprise.
When the blood test results came back, I learned that my Anti-Müllerian hormone, which gives an idea about a woman’s egg reserve, was extremely low. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I 100% would never get pregnant, but it would be much more difficult naturally.
Not really knowing whether I wanted another baby, I was shocked by the grief that came along with these results. It was a decision made by Mother Nature, God, and my body — all without my consent. I wanted to choose to not have any more children on my own terms, instead of having the option taken from me. I grieved the little girl I never really wanted until close to that point and who I would most likely never have.
When I came home, my husband could tell something was wrong. He was humbled by what I told him, comforted me by saying that we have been blessed with our boys, and also joked that we probably couldn’t mentally handle adding any more to our family.
I have since accepted that the baby ship has sailed for me, and have spent my time and emotions with some well-needed self-care, including getting my body back where I want it since more than likely, there will not be another pregnancy to change its shape again. I am also enjoying the time and activities with the family I have and for which I am so grateful.
