Every now and then, my husband and I would discuss maybe having another baby. We have been blessed with three healthy boys in our family. I never really wanted to try to have a girl until the reality of my biological clock hit me at my annual OBGYN visit last year when I was 40.
“The rest of your body might not know your age, but your eggs always do,” my doctor shared while recommending that we try as soon as possible. Still, I thought I was different.
Even if we were going to try, it would have to be several months from that appointment. I was in graduate school, my graduation was approaching that following August, and I had a major school-related trip to Europe planned for the following summer. Right then would have not been a good time to get pregnant.
Fast-forward a year: I am just months away from my graduation and that trip to Europe, so I decided to discuss this again with my doctor and to ask if any blood tests could be run to look into my fertility. I wasn’t really concerned because I had gotten pregnant each time we tried (which really wasn’t that long ago), and I felt younger than my age.
But I was in for a surprise.
When the blood test results came back, I learned that my Anti-Müllerian hormone, which gives an idea about a woman’s egg reserve, was extremely low. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I 100% would never get pregnant, but it would be much more difficult naturally.
Not really knowing whether I wanted another baby, I was shocked by the grief that came along with these results. It was a decision made by Mother Nature, God, and my body — all without my consent. I wanted to choose to not have any more children on my own terms, instead of having the option taken from me. I grieved the little girl I never really wanted until close to that point and who I would most likely never have.
When I came home, my husband could tell something was wrong. He was humbled by what I told him, comforted me by saying that we have been blessed with our boys, and also joked that we probably couldn’t mentally handle adding any more to our family.
I have since accepted that the baby ship has sailed for me, and have spent my time and emotions with some well-needed self-care, including getting my body back where I want it since more than likely, there will not be another pregnancy to change its shape again. I am also enjoying the time and activities with the family I have and for which I am so grateful.
In the end, I’ve embraced the unexpected turn “my plan” has taken, finding peace in the joy of my wonderful family, and working on becoming the best version of myself. Though my path changed from what I thought it would be, I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for each season of life, and have learned to ride the waves.
