I read a spectacular article about surrounding yourself with people who build you up. Friends who love you, pour into you and root for your success. I am thankful that today I have a wonderful tribe of Godly, empowering women who, in all stages, support and love me even when I feel unlovable. Today I have that, but I haven’t always. My next statement will be unpopular, but it’s honest:
At one point, not only was I sitting at the mean girl table, but I was the mean girl.
I was often sitting at the head of that toxic table, kicked back, feet thrown up with my mean queen crown cocked sideways, smoking a cigarette. And boy did I feel powerful and in control.
I wasn’t.
I thought this was how girls acted. This is how I felt I had to behave in order to get ahead, in order to have friends, to be included and feel good about myself. I needed others to be below me in order to feel like I belonged. Typing that hurts. I deleted it three times, but I decided to leave it because it is true and it’s a part of my story. An ugly part, but a part nonetheless.
This tactic didn’t work.
Looking back, it doesn’t matter how judgmental I was (very), how often I excluded people (too often) or how inferior I wanted people to feel (sadly, very). At the end of the day, I was always the one who felt inadequate, thus starting the vicious circle all over again.
Thankfully, I have grown and made some amends for the hateful pattern I helped set in my life and other people’s lives. I now know it was something I needed to go through in order to grow as a Christian, a woman, a friend and a mom.
My daughter is entering into the friendship development stage. While I hope I have a few years before this pattern rears its ugly head, I feel prepared (maybe…cringe). By owning my imperfect choices, I am able to use those experiences to grow in my faith while showing my daughter the brighter path with better outcomes.
This current group of amazing, uplifting women surrounding us is setting a mighty fine example of what friendships should look like. My tribe is fabulous! #shoutout However, on the not so great side of my story, I can show her what friendships shouldn’t look like, both as the victim and as the perpetrator.
We all make choices we wish we could change, but I feel that what we do with the results of our choices matters the most. I can be truthful with her and show her my story so that she can continue to write hers.
