The Forlorn Firstborn


The Forlorn Firstborn Ah, January 2020, the month I’ve been anxiously awaiting is here. In fact, as this post goes live, I am literally in route to the hospital as today marks a huge change in the Jordan household: baby #2 will make their big debut in a couple of hours. If I had to describe how I feel right now, it’d be difficult because I’m such a ball of emotions. On one hand I’m oozing with excitement and so very anxious to meet my newest little love, and on the other hand, I’m super nervous and find myself actually sad. I know “sadness” is not a typical word you would reference in such a joyous time, but over the last few weeks a piece of my heart has broken daily for my firstborn, my beloved son, Micah. He’s two-years-old and while he’s currently at home snuggled in his bed in a deep slumber, he has no clue how his perfect little world, with mommy and daddy at the center, is about to be rocked like never before.

In my short span of motherhood, seeds of doubt have been planted many times: when I returned to work after maternity leave, the night I decided our breastfeeding journey would end, and figuring out disciplining methods, are some examples. The guilt of having a baby while Micah is essentially still a baby himself however, has sprouted into the greatest mom guilt I’ve experienced thus far.

The struggle is real, y’all.

You see, both of my children are indeed answered prayers; it’s just that one was planned to a T, while the other was the shock of a lifetime. My husband and I have always known we wanted multiple children, but in our perfect world the spacing would have been a little larger as to have a bit more time with our first being our one and only. However, when our son was just 18-months-old, we learned he’d be getting promoted to big brother just barely two months after his second birthday. From that day to showtime, I have given so much thought to how this major life event would affect his.

I’ve heard so many mamas express how they struggled with the idea of adding a new child to the mix because they didn’t know if they could love another child as fiercely as they loved their first. That has not been an issue for me because the love I have for the baby baking inside of me is as strong as the love I have for the little boy who made me a mama. It may be different in the scope that I haven’t met them yet, but the love I have for them is without a question there. My idle mind would more so drift to the questions, “Will my son love me as much as he always has when he realizes I have to devote myself equally to his sibling?” and “Will his little toddler mind be able to comprehend that the love in my heart has only multiplied — it never divided — that my love for him will always be there?”

I’ve found myself trying so hard to remedy my doubtful feelings by telling myself something a complete stranger told me one day: a sibling is truly one of the best gifts you can give your child. This was randomly said to me in passing, but those simple words have long lingered and spoken so frankly to my little mama heart. With that being said, I’ve tried to be very intentional in making this time of transition one that is fun and exciting for Micah so that his memories of getting a sibling are magnified into something even greater: the actual promotion to big brother.

To combat feelings of jealousy or any bitterness that could begin to fester as our newest addition receives lots of visitors and hoopla over the next few weeks, we bought some special toys to keep our big boy entertained. On the day we bring baby home from the hospital, Micah will also discover an updated bedroom with some hints of his favorite character, Spider Man. Again, it is our hope that this small gesture will grab his attention and make him happy so that he can associate those positive feelings with the time he got a new sibling. I also plan to include him in caring for the baby by making him “mama’s big helper.” With any luck, having him help me with tasks such as getting the baby’s bottle, throwing away a diaper, or helping me rock the baby to sleep, will excite him and give a sense of pride in being a big brother. And eventually, when our transition to a family of four begins to feel more like our new normal, my husband and I will be deliberate in making sure we do some alone stuff with just Micah so that he knows he is still loved and valued by us.

These preparations have taken months, but the verdict is still out on the results. So now…we wait, as that’s all we can do at this point to see if these measures work as much as I so desperately pray they do. Regardless, I hope Micah knows mama will try her very best to ensure he always feels included, how very special it is to be a big brother, and that our time together as a trio, though short, has been as special to me as it has to him.

How have you dealt with the guilt of bringing home a new baby? How did you prepare your older child(ren) for the newest addition?


  1. It wasn’t easy for me to bring a second child home. I was exhausted and mind was wondering if I would be the best mom or will I be a horrible mom. Many thoughts and feelings was going on in my head. Now, with my first son I suffer from postpartum depression and I didn’t ever think I would be a good mother. I didn’t really have a good support system to help me with my first one as I do have with my second one. My first son adjusted very well with having a baby brother. I thought that it will be jealousy vibes and him feeling a certain way. However, he did and still do amazing job by helping me and they are 7 years apart. I am so happy that I have a good support system that I have because I didn’t suffer with postpartum that long this time at all. But I am so glad to be raising two little boys.

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