Inside One Mom’s Mind


Inside One Mom's Mind

It’s no secret the suffering 2022 had in store. The untimely death of my precious mom, my divorce after 11 years of marriage, feelings of heartbreak, finding out who my real friends are, making new close friends, feels of judgement at times, work stress, feeling alone, yet surrounded by family and friends… all while helping my kids through a tough year, still pushing through all the trauma because I have this mom status I must maintain.

Occasionally, I think back to certain instances that happened as I was growing up, things that should have been identified as trauma, but were so often dismissed.

I frequently wondered, why me? Why would I have to endure such memorable events? Upon reflection, I realize it was those situations that caused me to be a stronger person and truthfully, I am not so certain I would be here today if those things had not happened.

Talking about these matters is not routine for me and makes me a bit uncomfortable. Just as my family did, I attempted to sweep them under the rug far longer than I should have. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to share details of how I found out my dad was not my biological dad when I was 11-years-old.

Perhaps one day I will fearless enough to share about a couple of other damaging experiences that transpired when I was younger. I’m not so sure I could be vulnerable enough to reveal those occurances just yet.

Possibly I’ll dive into my dad’s murder or even unfold the decade of emotional turmoil I endured during my marriage. But for now, I will say that these events have brought me to where I am today. I do not know God’s plans, but I have prayed for the peace I currently have that surpasses all understanding.

I don’t understand why some things happen to some people and I won’t say I am grateful for these experiences, but without these trials that are now my testimony, I would not be the person — the mom — I am today.

While I may not understand these things, I firmly believe they did not happen just because, they happened for a reason. I do consider how these past experiences help me better assist my children with things they have and will encounter throughout their lives.

Simply put, life is unpredictable. Just when you think you have things figured out, you’re reminded you do not. I used to think moms had it all together. Maybe you do have it all together, but I certainly do not. I am a seasoned mom in my early 30s and I am still a hot mess express. As I sat down to write this post, for a split second I considered writing a rather shallow entry about some light topic we can all pretty much relate to like potty-training, how much red-dye my child consumed for the day, screen time, sleep-training, downsizing my home, wellness-exams, etc. Truth be told, life is heavy right now and shallow is not really my style anyway. I take deep dives inside my mind as I think about traveling this journey of grief and loss as a single mom of four, attempting to have it all together. As I roam, my mind, like my days, stay busy.

Before I became a mom, I envisioned moms overcoming the obstacles of life, but I’m learning (right or wrong, who knows), this is only because my mom made it look so easy. She made it appear as if she had it together even on the days she was falling apart. I am working on becoming more transparent. Yes, I am a mom. No, I do not have it all together. I do not know the secret to life and while I am not anything to some, I am all to someone and I do not take that for granted for a second.

Reminders from friends to take deep breaths are life savers. I am living and learning, and my children are my inspiration every single day.