I have worked over the past year to lose weight. I have done pretty well considering a few setbacks like surgery and health issues. But sometimes, when I look in the mirror, all I see is that same old body.
I have issues with body dysmorphia.
By the time high school came, I was fully hyper aware of every ounce I gained. I spent my freshman year of high school starving myself because I was terrified of gaining weight and obsessed with losing any weight I could. I felt like I was huge. I wanted to be a size 2 like all the girls I thought were so beautiful. The thing is, I would never have been able to be a size 2 because my body isn’t made like that; a size 10 sure, but not a size 2. I had curves and I didn’t understand that my curves were beautiful too. When I look back at pictures, I don’t understand how I didn’t see the beauty that was in front of me. The me when I was 15 is the me I want to get back to as far as looks go.
I don’t want my daughter to go through what I did growing up.
When you struggle with body image issues you have such a hard time seeing what is actually in the mirror; instead, you see every flaw and extra pound multiplied by 10. Even after losing over 50 pounds in the last year, I still have a hard time seeing the difference; when I look in the mirror, I still see the same self I saw when I was 50 pounds heavier. I see a difference in my clothes. I have gone down two sizes, but when you have trained yourself over the last 18-20 years to see every flaw and pick yourself apart bit by bit you have a hard time breaking that cycle.