Seven Ways to Rebel Against Earth Day (and be a Terrible Role Model)


What’s the point of Earth Day and doing “good” for the earth? Earth Day represents universal support for the environment, its protection and a reminder to care for the ground and air and water we use. Be eco-friendly, cohabitate responsibly or some nonsense. Yawn. It’s not like I’m going to use this ecosystem for longer than 100 years anyway. Earth was here before I arrived and it’ll be here after I’m gone.

Earth Day is just an excuse for activists to hinder the ease and convenience of our daily lives. Here’s my list to mess up their good deeds:

1. Stop and start your car several times throughout the day. Drive randomly and without purpose. Bonus points if you navigate your gas guzzler past a recycling center. Idling your car at drive-thru windows counts extra too. Be sure to ask for extra napkins and straws.

2. Speaking of recycling – don’t do it. Buy everything new, don’t borrow and throw out what you’ve used. Visualize hoarding then Marie Kondo everything, but skip donation — just trash it instead. And honestly, what’s the point of separating trash into brightly colored bins? Only a lunatic would sort their trash to be thrown away in the same landfill.

3. PLASTIC IS KING! Plastic Straws. Plastic cutlery. Plastic Bags. Buy it. Use It. Toss it. Our oceans need more floaters.

4. Sit in front of the television All. Day. Long. Tell your kids to pile up on the couch and surround themselves with every bit of technology. Don’t forget their earbuds, cell phone, laptop, and gaming controls. Utilize all of the technology while the TV is flickering in front of them. Add extra ambiance by turning on every light in the rooms that you’re in AND the rooms you’re not.

5. Avoid people who volunteer. They will convince you to “help.” Earth Day encourages volunteering.

6. Take long showers and leave the tap running while you brush your teeth. Wash one piece of clothing at a time. Dry one piece of clothing at a time. And by all means, DO NOT use the sun’s energy to dry the clothes on the line. Save your energy and avoid the exertion to hang the clothes up, then take them down. Folding straight from the dryer is hard enough. Don’t strain yourself.

7. Stomp through a neighbor’s garden and offer to cut down their shade tree…or don’t because that’s sort of like volunteering. Buy your fruits and veggies from grocery stores, never farmers’ markets and use as many green plastic bags that spin-off that cool roll next to the bananas and lettuce. If you unroll too many bags, teepee the produce department.


This article was written with the intention of making light of a serious issue — humans and our wastefulness and mistreatment of the environment. There are so many small, eco-friendly changes you can make to your lifestyle that don’t have to be difficult, but will make such a positive impact in preserving our world. Using paper products instead of plastic, shutting off a light or walking a few blocks instead of driving will not only improve the earth but it’ll save you money too.

What eco-friendly changes are you making in your family?