I’m going to shed a bright light from my perspective on what is sometimes an overlooked group of Moms: the single ones. So, whether you are one or know one, I’m thinking of you as I write this.
Having my son when I was still a(n 18-year-old) child was my first glimpse of single motherhood. Then, I was widowed, remarried, and then divorced — we aren’t going to tie the strings of that timeline! Clearly, I’ve experienced some seasons of single motherhood, equally full and lonely, blessed and lacking, peace-filled and fearful.
How do you help or accept help in such a vulnerable space? I have felt so messy that I didn’t want to invite anyone in. I stayed away from places that were too “whole family” at times. I cried while doing bedtime because I wanted to tap out with a partner. It’s unreasonable to think that someone or a whole village can replace the (ideal) consistency and equal load that is carried by two parents in a home.
But what can you do to fill in the gaps?
- Invite a single mom to your group plans. Be her friend even if she doesn’t call for days and has to reschedule multiple times because she’s putting her kids first or just wants to sleep. Do not guilt her “no, I can’t” times. I’ve lost some friendships over this one and regretted none with priorities straight.
- Be the one who invites! Some of the most beautiful friendships have come from seeing another single mom and saying, “Hey! Let’s put our chaos together and make a point to cheer each other on!” This wasn’t just for moms in the same season as me; I also made a point to keep inviting couples/married friends to do things.
- Invest in the lives of the kids of a single mom. My kids have been blessed with “uncle dates,” one-on-one sleepovers with family, and have been included in other family’s outings. Allowing them to step outside their own homes and feel loved is always a good thing! Letting others help me out in the “fun” aspect often gave me mom guilt. This was an emotion I learned to shed over the years as I focused more on how my kids would so enjoy being invited. Did I stand at the door when they left thinking, “What do I do now?” Yep, but that faded as I embraced being able to let someone else in. Core memories don’t just have to come from a biological parent. This did mean that I had to call up a friend or family if I needed help (hard to admit…sometimes I just needed some space to handle my own emotions!).
- Take her food. I’ve never turned down a meal that showed up on my doorstep or been told when it would arrive. Ask to bring food and it’s met with a “we are fine!” If there are kids with an age gap, invite the big kids to tag along with your big kids! This has helped my oldest so much as a lot of his interests don’t overlap with my two younger ones.
- Come to their events. There are a lot of lonely moments seeing families at ball fields and school functions. I remember walking into church and sitting alone until another woman joined me just a little after service started (and just as tears of “I don’t belong here” started to well up). Ask for a schedule of the kids’ events and show up to cheer them on. Bring Momma a coffee too!
Can you do and be all these things? Probably not.
If your circle of friends and influences is families that look like you, I think you should add in some single parents. Let’s not confuse the “messy” with “too much” or the “unapproachable” as “has it all together.”
I wrote an apology letter to the divorced moms I once judged. I didn’t know what I didn’t know until I experienced sleeping on the couch because the bed felt too lonely with just me. You really don’t need the same life experiences to show some compassion and stretch yourself to fit in a family dynamic.
