My husband and I have been together for fourteen years, married for ten years this coming December. I remember when we were dating; he had a well thought out timeline for how long he wanted to date, how long he wanted to be engaged, and how long he wanted to be married before we had kids. For me — the dreamer who wants to rush into things — my mind wanted to explode every time he talked about it. For my husband — the careful planner who considers every option — it was the wisest way to go into our marriage. He wanted to have plenty of time to date and prepare for our lives together; I just wanted to be a wife. He wanted to travel and experience life with just me and him; I just wanted to be a mom.
Ultimately, we dated for four years (just like he planned), and waited until we had been married for five years to start our family.
One of the reasons he wanted to wait to have kids was because we had so much fun together. I LOVE being a mom, but those first five years of being just the two of us will always hold a special place in my heart. I know this is cliché, but I definitely married my best friend. We love to do everything with one another. And, although I knew it would be challenging, I had no clue how hard it would be to keep our relationship close and strong once we started having children. My life suddenly went from being my husband’s partner in crime to being the lifeline to a small human who requires ME to meet every single need.
Let me be totally transparent: having children definitely put a strain on our marriage, but we discovered a few ways to deepen our relationship even with the distraction of young children.
1. Sleep Together
I know what you’re thinking. Duh, Kalah. That’s what got you in this situation in the first place. But what I’m actually referring to is going to bed at the same time. Each night, no matter what, my husband and I get ready for bed together and climb in bed at the same time. Sometimes, I work on my blog or read while he goes to sleep. Sometimes, we go to sleep at the same time. Sometimes, we stay up for an hour talking and laughing. But our unspoken rule is that we go to bed together.
Some of my favorite memories from our marriage have been during our late night conversations. We truly cherish this uninterrupted time together for intimate conversation and laughter, and it has made a huge impact on our marriage.
2. Protected Date Nights
When we were dating, we used to go out 3-4 times a week to have dinner, dessert, or do something fun around town. Once we got married, we went out every week to eat, go out of town for the weekend, or hang out with friends all night. But then, when our son arrived, our date nights changed. We were too tired to stay out. Money was tighter, so going out as often wasn’t an option. Going out with a small child was fun, but made it difficult for me to give my husband my undivided attention and babysitters were not in the budget.
It can be incredibly hard to go out monthly on a full date night like we did back in the day, but we’ve since changed our perspective on dates. Now, our dates look like trips to the grocery store alone and eating fast food in the car. They look like popping popcorn and playing board games at the kitchen table after the kids go to bed. They look like sitting on the porch together after dark and talking for hours. They look like watching New Girl and eating cookie dough for hours before bed. Our dates look much different now, but we protect them at all costs, and we cherish them now more than ever.
3. Use Technology
A lot of the time, I think technology can be a distraction for relationships; however, I think that there are a few ways to use technology to your advantage when dating your spouse. I remember back when my kids were newborns I had such a hard time getting quality alone time with my husband. My kids were especially very challenging sleepers (both of my children needed to be held to sleep until they were about four months old). We put a recliner in our bedroom so I could be near my husband at night while still holding my babies. Every night at bedtime, we would get ready and I would nurse the baby while my husband got into bed. Then, while I held them, my husband and I would play games with each other on our phones and text across the room.
Recently, we have been using an amazing app called Intimately Us. It’s an app specifically for married couples that is designed to deepen the relationship and offer support to improve intimacy. (Heads up: this app contains some sensitive material and shouldn’t be used around little eyes.) Let’s be honest: being a mom makes you tired. Postpartum bodies can make you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. And sometimes, it’s just really hard to get in the head space of intimacy after caring for your children all day. The app has been awesome as it helps guide me back into the passion and intimacy that we enjoyed as a couple before kids came along.
4. Know Your Love Languages
I asked my friends on Facebook how they’ve continued dating their spouse through parenting and one answer was to know your spouse’s love language and love them in that way. If you’re unfamiliar with the Five Love Languages, it is a concept by Pastor Gary Chapman. Basically, each person has a specific way in which they feel valued, loved, and appreciated. People both feel and express their love in different ways or languages. There is quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical contact, and giving/receiving gifts. One way to deepen your marriage is to figure out your spouse’s love language and make an effort to show them love in their language.
Recently, I have been trying to do things to show my husband my love and admiration for him through his love language instead of mine, which is what I had been doing for so long. I never realized that doing something so (seemingly) small could make such a huge impact.
5. Daydream Together
One of our favorite things to do together is daydream. This is probably the easiest “activities” on the list to do because you can do it any time, anywhere. Usually, my husband and I will start a conversation about big dreams. What would we do if we won the lottery? If we could move anywhere, where would we go? In 10 years, where do we want to be in life? These questions turn into long discussions that can be serious or silly. They can be private discussions or just casual talk around the kids. But the most important part is that we’re talking — having genuine conversation — about our lives together. Some of our conversations are realistic. Some turn into wild dreams that will never come true. But at the center of every daydream is a life that we’re building with each other.
