Don’t Lick That (And Other #momlife Anecdotes)


Up until a short time ago, I’m pretty sure I either had sweet somethings to say to my almost three-year-old son or I had frustratingly and mostly-but-not-always-restrained commands for him to stop being a little so-and-so. It was very black and white and fairly easy to handle.

Over these past few months, however, I’ve noticed a change in my precious boy.

Not only is he growing into his own, with a unique personality full of sweetness, hilarity, quirkiness, originality, empathy, and charm, but he is also REALLY embracing the chance to try all the things in his continual search for ways to drive me insane independence. After talking with some fellow moms and mom bloggers, it turns out I’m not alone in this #momlife. And neither are you.

So, sit back with a cup of coffee or a mimosa, relax, and enjoy (but only for the sixty seconds it takes for your kids to realize you’re hiding out in the bathroom — sorry, and I love you).

“Don’t lick that.” (Door handle, quarter, dog, table at Chili’s, insert object here __________)

“No, you cannot ride the cat.” (Or the dog, or your sister)

“You have to keep your clothes on in public.”

“No one wants to see your penis.”

“Please stop putting your farts on me.”

“What is WRONG with you?!”

“No one wants to see your butt.”


“Child: Mommy, I smell something!

Mommy: It’s you.”

“Rocks are not food.” 

“No, you cannot play hide and seek under mommy’s skirt.”

“Please don’t scratch your bottom with a fork.”

“Yes, alcohol is like medicine for mommy.”

“Please don’t lay your face on the toilet seat.”

“Did you just eat that?!” (Dirt, bug, lint, 3-day-old egg stuck to your chair, insert object here __________)

“Thanks for using my shirt as a tissue.”

“Stop trying to suffocate your brother.” (Or your sister, or the cat, or the dog)

“Beans do not go in your nose.” (Or M&Ms, or peas, or rocks)

“No, peeing on the potted plant in the doctor’s office is not the same as peeing on the tree outside.”

“I still don’t want to see your butt.”

“How did you manage to use half the bottle of soap and still not get your hands clean?”

“Please don’t run over your brother with the scooter.”

“The word ‘fart’ IS hilarious, but do we know any other words?”

“Why is your hand in your pants?”

“Why are your pockets full of rocks?”

“Stop sitting on your sister’s head.”

“No, cats don’t like to take baths.”

“Toothpaste is not candy.”

“Why is your butt on me?”

Happy day, Mamas! If it’s not, it will get there again. If it is, it will get worse…before it gets better again. In any case, good luck, and lots of hugs, and sorry about the pocketful of grass/toilet paper/glitter you’re about to find swishing around in the washer!