You are Not a Failure

Dear Mama,

You did not fail and neither did your body. These days we hear more and more that natural is best for babies and we feel shame if that’s not the way things turn out. If natural isn’t or wasn’t an option for you it doesn’t mean you failed. Remember that.   

I had an epidural, C-section, and low milk supply and felt like I was three for three in the mommy failure department. I went into labor at 2am on October 20th, 2018. From the start, my contractions were 3.5 minutes apart and consistent. We were admitted to the hospital by 7am and I received an epidural around 3pm. I told myself I didn’t want one, but my hips felt like they were going to break. My contractions didn’t seem to be getting closer together and were all pelvic and lower back.

Imagine beating a drum for 13 hours at the same speed and with the same pressure. That’s what my body felt like. At this time I was only 5cm dilated. Along with the epidural came Pitocin and after eight hours I was still at 5cm. They call this a “stalled labor” and usually advise a C-section. This is not something we had originally wanted, but decided it was the best choice for me and our little girl.

After my daughter’s arrival, I struggled for two months with low milk supply before switching to formula. I did everything advised and nothing helped. I cried so much — thank you hormones — over not being able to give my daughter what she needed and not being able to provide for her as a mother. My husband and family kept reminding me that by being there daily for my little girl and caring for her needs I was providing her with exactly what she needed. Through research and talking with other moms I discovered that low supply is a common struggle and it can happen during any pregnancy, whether it’s your first or last. Sometimes there is an explanation, such as Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT), and sometimes there isn’t. 

We need to change our mindset, words, and actions. 

We have been groomed to think that natural is best and it is bad for our babies if we do it any different. This is false. Thinking and speaking this way is not helpful for our postpartum recovery or the care of our little one. There are many reasons for a C-section, several of which cannot be prevented. We should be thankful we live in a time where C-sections are an option and that trained doctors perform them. Not all C-sections are smooth and the recovery can be very hard. Mom, you did not fail. Your body grew and carried a child for nine months before bringing them in to this world. That alone is a victory. If you know a mother who has recently gone through a C-section ask her if she needs you to run any errands, bring her family a meal, or needs someone to hold her baby because sometimes it hurts us too much. 

Please be mindful of your words when comparing our birthing stories or talking about feeding your babies. Yes, our babies may have seemed the same but our mommy bodies aren’t. There could have been many things that caused me to have a C-section. We need to start saying fed is best, formula is not hurtful. Did you know they used to give babies PET milk? Guess what? Those babies are still healthy and functioning today. At the time, I thought I was the only one struggling with milk supply and it wasn’t until I started reaching out for answers that I discovered I wasn’t alone. We need to talk about it more, probably even before we deliver our little one. I had so many people tell me their pregnancy and birth stories, but no one spoke to me about after. Let’s change that.

Let’s change the way future mothers think and speak by starting now and being an example for them. Mama, if you are going through this journey feeling alone, a failure, or shameful, know that you are not alone. Reach out to someone who will listen or has gone through the same thing. We need to be encouraging and supporting one another from the beginning.