Sibling Rivalry…We have all heard it said that sibling rivalry is just a part of life. We have heard that there is nothing you can do it about. And while sibling rivalry did hold true in my childhood (at least for a season), I refuse to be held to the status quo, or at least I will exhaust all efforts to avoid sibling rivalry before admitting defeat.
I have two older sisters. One is four years older than me, and one is 15 months older than me. (Yes, my mom was crazy and if you do the math she had a six month old when she found she was pregnant with me! Yikes!) So, as you might imagine, we fought, all the time (my middle sister and I). Perhaps it was because we were so close in age, perhaps it was because we were both girls, perhaps it was just our personalities, or perhaps it was because we shared a room and a bathroom for about 14 years. We fought over the silliest things. I’m sure we drove our parents crazy! We fought over who would turn the light off, who didn’t shut the closet door, who did what mean thing to the other, who didn’t eat all their dinner, who had more cookies.
Ridiculous, right?
Now, I am glad to say, we do get along now. There is hope, right? And even in our worst phases, I knew my sister always had my back. We didn’t often like each other, but we loved each other all the time.
I now have two children of my own (three and one). While it all worked out for my sister and I, I don’t want my children have the same experience of constant bickering. I want them to like each other in the present and in the future. I want them enjoy being together. We are just now reaching the point where we are starting to have a little sibling rivalry. My son just started crawling. I’m not sure my daughter likes his newfound mobility. She assumes everything is hers and hers alone, even things that were actually bought for my son. Oh, we have talked about sharing, many, many, many times. And we will continue to talk about it.
How do you teach your children to get along? Is it even possible? Is sibling rivalry truly unavoidable, or is it something that can be prevented? While I am not an expert, I wanted to put together a list of suggestions gleaned from the experts.
The following are some of the suggestions that I have found helpful:
- Don’t compare. Every child is different. We need to teach mutual respect.
- Don’t get involved. Have you ever noticed that when you leave your kid alone at the park, most of the time they resolve their own conflicts or they just don’t care about things the way we as adults do? Now of course, if you feel there is a risk for harm, please jump in.
- Teach them how to resolve conflict. It is okay to be angry or hurt. We need to help our children understand these feelings. Helping our children learn the appropriate words or phrases to use to stand up for themselves is different than “rescuing” one child over the other.
- Praise when you see them getting along! Our children need our attention and they will get it anyway they can. When my daughter starts being excessively mean, of course the behavior needs to be addressed, but perhaps my approach or attitude needs to be addressed as well? Am I giving in or not giving her enough positive attention? Saying things like, “I love how you are sharing the blocks with your brother,” or “That was such a nice way to help your sister!” gives them positive attention and helps them know what you expect.
- Ask them what they can do. Asking your children what they can do to resolve a fight will help them learn to communicate better. They just might surprise you with their answer.
- Make time for each child separately. It doesn’t have to be complicated or even something you do every day. You can rotate “dates” with each child doing something they enjoy doing as an individual. I remember as a child, looking forward to bird watching and canoeing with my father. It gave me one-on-one time with my father. I have many great memories of those times.
- Teach appreciation. Each day, ask “What is one thing you love or appreciate about your brother or sister?” This will help them learn to notice each other’s differences and think about someone other than themselves.
- Finally, be consistent. This is perhaps the hardest one of all, though it may very well be the most important. Just like in any discipline, consistency will get results. Of course there will be unavoidable conflict, but our job is to help them learn to resolve conflict.
Here are some references which you might find useful:
http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html#
