Based on its title, you might assume this post is about the transition that happened yesterday. The transition of a new administration that had been carefully planned and organized for weeks, one which included various guests, celebrations, and pomp and circumstance — all that comes along with any presidential inauguration.
But instead, I’m writing this post about a more discreet transition that might be happening in your home.
As our kids grow older, there are moments that stick out more than others. The first step, the first word, school milestones. The next thing you know, they’re driving. But some moments happen in a more subtle way. They happen before we even get a chance to really acknowledge them.
This past summer, I experienced one of those moments.
I usually put my 11-year-old daughter’s clothes out every day. This helps with time management and since she’s never typically cared too much about what she had on, it’s always been easy for us both. Her wardrobe consisted of multiple brightly colored shirts with unicorns, mermaids or cute sayings like “Cool like mom.” However, I slowly noticed that when I’d come home, she would have on a totally different outfit. Granted, she learns remotely, so clothing choice is not such a big deal, but I kept wondering why I never saw the many shirts I had bought her. Even when she did wear the cute mermaid/unicorn shirts, she would cover them up with a hoodie.
One night, as I was bringing her clean clothes into her room, I asked her why she wasn’t wearing all the new shirts she had. She said, “Mom, those clothes are kind of for little girls.” My response was an immediate “Little girls? Ummmm you ARE a LITTLE GIRL.” She replied, as if realizing maybe she had hurt my feelings, “Mom, not like that; they are just kind of…silly now.”
Somewhere in the middle of the pandemic, I inherited a preteen.
A girl who would now prefer to text her friends than hang out with me. A bedroom door that’s mostly closed (not locked). A girl who spends more time in the bathroom. A girl who is changing…and who is moody. As much as I told myself I was ready for this transition, it happened so suddenly and in such a surprisingly quiet manner. She was growing into a young lady right before my eyes and I hadn’t stopped to appreciate it. I think I was waiting for some huge, dramatic moment where I knew we had arrived into the land of “tweendom,” but it was way more subtle.
Just as I began to grapple with the fact that she was changing, I was faced head-on with it during her 11-year-old well check appointment.
We knew she would have to get some shots and blood drawn, but right before the doctor came in, the nurse asked some rather personal questions, some of which my daughter had no clue how to answer. I’ve since learned that certain doctors do not ask personal questions, some give the option to the parents, and some have the child fill out a questionnaire on paper. No matter the case, there will come a time when personal questions are asked as they relate directly to puberty.
It was a huge revelation that puberty was among us.
And while those questions seem foreign and personal, I’m sure there are preteens who answer “yes” to them. This thought led me to wonder if I’ve had enough conversations around puberty. Had I completely skipped those questions? I knew then it was time for some open dialogue about her changing body. Some things she knew, others she didn’t. The last thing I wanted was my daughter to feel uncomfortable talking to me about anything. My theory is that if she’s uncomfortable talking to me, she’ll ask someone else.
As a high school teacher, I hear many conversations in the hallways that kids have with each other, so I knew it was time to be proactive instead of reactive. Luckily, I have other girl-mom friends who could help me navigate this time in my parenting. It was suggested to start with some books. There are plenty of books that fit all belief systems that help explain things in a way that might be easier for preteens. Make sure to check book reviews to help find the right book for your daughter. My suggestion is that when you feel your daughter is ready, have her browse the book and then let her ask questions for clarification and discussion. This serves as an ice breaker to a possible awkward first conversation.
Also, I spotted on Facebook recently a mother/daughter journaling exercise. This helps with bonding without ever saying a word. The daughter can write questions, comments, concerns in a journal and the mom can respond in the journal. Just make sure it stays between you and your daughter. Lost trust is hard to gain back during the preteen years. The great thing about writing things down is that it gives your daughter time to think of questions and for you to respond. Having that extra time to process questions will ensure a more thoughtful response.
