I was so unhappy, so unthankful, an immature selfish brat. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. I didn’t appreciate much of anything. I had a heart of stone and an undeserving stomach that gorged itself every year on the feast.
I am ashamed to admit that for several years, the holiday of Thanksgiving simply eluded my mind and my heart.
Maybe it started with the loss of my grandmother, who meant everything to me. The roots holding our family together — especially during the holidays — were gone. There was no joy in my heart without her during these times. I would rebel. I would drown out the noise of celebrations of friends and family with alcohol and self-inflicted trauma. I had an unthankful heart. I inflicted pain on the people that tried the hardest to include me. I hurt so many people and in turn hurt myself. I kept a cycle of hatred going. I removed any chance of healing my heart and I just didn’t even care. I can’t even speak on how much I regret it all.
Years passed hating everything around me. Then you came.
A rainbow baby came and my heart melted. I was seven months pregnant our first Thanksgiving with you and the light switch flipped. You turned everything around with your impending arrival. My heart broke in the best way possible. It was like that scene from “The Grinch,” where the box around his tiny feeble heart sprung open and snapped. It didn’t stop there. Every year since, we have seen more and more blessings. Sure there were still things that hurt, but I’ve learned to be thankful for those too. Every single thing leads me to you. This year brings another Thanksgiving and another chance for my heart to continue growing.
This year I even got into Christmas. I pulled off the taboo of decorating before Thanksgiving. With a happy heart, I wait to make a feast in my own home shared with loved ones and decorated with happy hearts and hands. I am so excited for every little thing about the holidays and just couldn’t be happier.
I am so thankful to those who stuck by me through it all. I am thankful for all that surrounds me. I am thankful for our happy home. I am thankful for a continuously growing, breaking, unthankful heart.
