I’m struggling not to struggle right now as stressors pile up and affect how I interact with my preschooler.
I already have a difficult time parenting “in the moment” thanks to all the distractions of household chores, scheduled activities, and my blasted phone. I know I am not the only parent facing these distractions, but I feel like I compound the issues when our family faces any sort of adversity or when I’m worrying about life situations of friends and family beyond my ability to help.
Inevitably, when a ton of stress dumps on my head, I turn turtle and try to bury my aching cranium beneath every activity (various crafts) or distraction (books and television) I can find, while either leaving my daughter to entertain herself or dragging her into more activity than she can handle.
I wish I could say this is an unusual circumstance, but our family has been diving in and out of financial and household stressors for years now with no sign of change on the horizon. So, I’m stuck in a cycle where a combination of stress and depression leads to this shying away from real solutions…and I just feel so tired all the time.
Too tired to play.
Too tired to laugh.
Too tired to be the mom I want to be.
And what does this do to my preschooler, who should be allowed to see me laugh and play and be something other than a zombie mommy? I don’t know the answer to that, but I know it’s not a state I want us to continue in. Unhelpfully, I tend to pile guilt and self-loathing onto the stress by berating myself. After all: I don’t work full-time, I only have one child, I have a wonderful husband, and I have familial support along with loving friends.
So, what in the world do I have to complain about?
Nothing. I can’t complain about one single thing. I have a wonderfully blessed life, stressors or not. I am so lucky and so blessed and so thankful for all these things. And yet, I can’t seem to exit this extended bout of malaise with anything resembling grace and a sense of my old self.
I’d love to give a list of 10 helpful things for other moms in a similar situation to try, but I have only managed to find two solutions for myself at this point. The first is to pray and thank God for my beautiful life and blessings. Other than prayer, I’m simply going to fake it until I make it. I’m going to show my daughter I love her in every way I possibly can and hope that love will make up for the lighthearted mother I can’t be right now.
The one thing I ask of others in this time and of myself? Just remember how real the struggle is. As we move forward into the world, notice the mother with a smile that is just a tad too wide and eyes that are as tired as mountain stone. Lend her your sincereness and your strength. Be kind.
This is my hope,
This is my prayer,
Please help me discover my inner child again.
