While the hard, physical, daily tasks of mothering may wind down, we never stop being moms — loving wholeheartedly, worrying, cheering our kids on. But as our children grow, the role shifts. The problems get bigger, and there’s a lot less we can “fix” for them. More often than not, parenting older kids means learning to ask, “Do you want advice, or do you just need an ear?”
With one son about to graduate college and the other about to graduate high school — that’s right, two graduations in one week! — I’ve been reflecting on my parenting journey. I didn’t have a strong parenting role model of my own, so much of my experience as a mom involved figuring things out as I went. And if I’m being honest, half the time I felt like I was getting it wrong.
But here we are — me and my little family — imperfect, still learning, but full of love and kindness and making our way in the world. Looking back, there are so many things I wish I had known when I was a new mom.
If I could go back and give myself some advice, here’s what I would say…
1. Comparison is the thief of joy
I know…This quote, attributed to President Theodore Roosevelt may feel like a cliché, but it holds a deep truth that it took me far too long to learn. The list of things I compared in myself or in my children to others was long. From a cousin’s child who knew their ABCs at 18 months when my son was barely talking, to the fact my curious little boy was exploring everything from the time he could crawl while my friend’s daughter sat on the blanket and played quietly with her toys (very demure, very mindful)…I lost countless hours worrying that I wasn’t doing enough, wasn’t parenting the “right” way, wasn’t doing enough.
And don’t get me started on the sleep I lost comparing myself to all the hot moms in my neighborhood. The ones whose bodies seemed to magically return to their bikini-ready best moments after giving birth. I know that seems shallow, but feeling like the pudgy, ugly duckling in a gaggle of graceful swans is something.
Here’s what I wish I’d known. What I wish someone who cared about me would have said to me, because the truth is, every mom you see — yes, even the ones who seem to have it all together — has her own struggles, doubts, and sleepless nights. We’re all just figuring it out as we go. Give yourself the same grace and kindness you’d offer a friend.
Kids all develop at their own pace, usually within the parameters of developmental guidelines, but whether your child develops a little more slowly or more rapidly, they are still right on time for them. Milestones are helpful benchmarks, but they don’t define your child’s worth or future success. Focus on their unique progress, and trust that they will get where they need to be in their own time.
And when it comes to comparing your lovely bones or your loved and lived-in home to those of your friends or neighbors…just stop. Whatever you’re comparing yourself against, be it how amazing someone else’s baby is, your neighbor’s washboard abs, or her sparkling baseboards and well-organized pantry, none of that matters. The love you pour into your life is what truly matters.
Every time you measure yourself against someone else’s highlight reel, you overlook the beauty, strength, and goodness in your own story. The truth is, no one has it all together — everyone carries insecurities, struggles, and doubts, even if you can’t see them. The more you embrace your journey — your body, your home, your family — the more peace and happiness you’ll find in the life that is uniquely yours.
2. Not every piece of advice is for you
Even well-meaning family members and friends can give terrible advice or say things that demean and undermine you as a parent. You know your child better than anyone, so it’s time to get discerning about whom you listen to.
I’ll never forget two things said to me by relatives when my older son was young. When he was not sleeping through the night as a young toddler and I was ready to throw myself off a bridge because the exhaustion was killing me and I had no help, I called an older relative to ask for advice. Instead of the compassion and help I had hoped to receive, I instead heard “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. My children never did that.” The judgement practically oozed through the phone.
Then there was the other relative who yelled at me and kicked me out of her house during a visit while I was pregnant because my three-year-old took a sippy cup into her living room after she had told him he wasn’t allowed to have food in there. Mind you, it was an open-concept house and he was three! Not only did she scream at my child and make him so scared he hid under a table, I got a whole lecture from her about how to discipline my child that ultimately came with a subscription to a James Dobson newsletter and a recommendation to read books by John Rosemond. If you’re unfamiliar with those two stars of Boomer parenting, thank your lucky stars. The Sparknotes version of their approach to parenting is spank your child, deprive them of genuine love and affection, then spank them some more. No thanks!
And then there was the other relative who told me I was overprotective when I called her to ask for advice about the situation above.
And while all of those instances hurt me to my core and left me feeling absolutely alone, they also taught me who I could trust and, more importantly, that I know my child better than anyone. People who don’t see and interact with your child on a regular basis or who don’t have expertise related to the issue you’re dealing with, really aren’t qualified to tell you what to do when you’re facing unusual circumstances. Trust your gut. Listen to your pediatrician. And find people whose values align with yours, whose parenting you admire, and who feel like a safe place — people who will support you without judgment, offer wisdom without pressure, and remind you that you’re not alone. Parenting is full of uncertainty, but having the right voices in your corner can make all the difference.
3. Find your people and lean in
I made my first mom friend when I was pregnant with my oldest son. Her daughter was about six months old and I met her as we were both walking in our neighborhood. Turns out she lived just a few doors down from me. Once my son began going to a Parent’s Morning Out program a couple of days a week, I met moms there and joined a “mom’s club” where we got together a few times a month to let the babies crawl around each other as we drank coffee and shared the ups and downs of life. For me, these women became a lifeline that saved me from the loneliness and isolation I felt for much of my son’s first 18 months.
Finding a group of mom friends is one of the best gifts you can give yourself in motherhood. These are the people who will celebrate your child’s milestones with you, reassure you on the hard days, and remind you that you’re not alone in this journey. They become your lifeline — the ones you can text at 2am when your baby won’t sleep, the ones who trade babysitting so you can finally get a break, and the ones who show up with a meal when life feels overwhelming. Your mom friends will make the everyday moments sweeter, the struggles more bearable, and the joys even bigger. Whether it’s a moms’ night out, a coffee date, or just chatting in the school pickup line, having a community of moms who truly understand what you’re going through makes all the difference. Motherhood isn’t meant to be done alone — so find your people, lean on them, and let them lean on you. Twentyish years later and many of the women I met when my sons were babies are my best friends and we still count on each other to celebrate or commiserate all that life offers us.
4. You will find yourself again (but she may be different)
Motherhood has a way of consuming you. From the moment you hold your baby, your sense of self shifts, often taking a backseat to feedings, nap schedules, and the endless needs of a tiny human who depends on you for everything. If you’ve paused your career, stepped away from hobbies, or find that your days revolve entirely around caring for others, it’s easy to wonder if the person you once were is slipping away. Society often measures worth in paychecks and productivity, making it hard to see the immense value in the quiet, unseen work of mothering. But motherhood has its own lessons to teach about patience, resilience, love, and the ability to give of yourself in ways you never imagined.
The truth is, you will find yourself again, but she won’t be exactly the same. And that’s a beautiful thing. Motherhood stretches and reshapes you, revealing strengths you never knew you had. In time, you’ll rediscover old passions and uncover new ones. You may develop skills you never expected, whether it’s advocating for your child, mastering the art of efficiency, or finding joy in creativity you never had time for before.
And while it may take effort to carve out space for yourself, doing so is not selfish; it’s essential. You are still you, and as you embrace this new version of yourself, you may find that you love her even more. As a mom, I learned all about 504 plans and IEPs and how to negotiate and navigate a system designed for neurotypical students in order to ensure my kids’ needs were met. Having to speak up in meetings as a PTA volunteer helped me gain confidence I had never possessed. Both skills I use in my career today. And squeezing in time at the gym while the kids were at PMO, taught me that moving my body healed my spirit and led me to the path of becoming a yoga instructor.
This season of life may change you, but it will deepen you in ways that will serve you for a lifetime. And that is something to celebrate.
5. It really does fly by
The moments in the hospital when they handed me my sons. The sleepless nights. The peewee football and soccer games. Birthday parties and Halloweens. Laughter. Tears. Hospital emergency room visits and overnight stays. The homework battles and tears and IEP meetings. The laughter and cuddles and family vacations. They all feel like yesterday. The saying that the days are long but the years are short is so true. And I know. I KNOW. You will hate being the mom with the kid crying in a store who has an old lady come up and say, “Enjoy these days; they’ll be over before you know it.” I know I did not find it helpful.
But guess what? They’re not wrong.
So, take lots of pictures. Savor moments smelling your sweet baby’s head and feeling the warmth of her swaddled body in your arms. Ignore the dirty dishes and watch Peppa Pig or Toy Story. Sit on the floor and play Thomas the Tank Engine with your kiddo. Save up and splurge on the Disney trip you think you can’t afford. Because one day, those baby birds of yours will spread their wings and the bonds you form now and memories you make will be the foundation that keeps them coming back home. The late-night conversations, the inside jokes, the moments when they know they are seen and loved — those are the things that matter most. It’s not about being perfect or having it all together, but about showing up with your heart wide open. When they become teens and young adults, the trust and closeness you’ve built will be what strengthens your relationship with them.
The memories you create now, the simple, everyday moments, will echo in their hearts as they navigate the world on their own. So, embrace this precious time, because the love you pour into them today will be the bridge that brings them back tomorrow.
