A few days ago, a girlfriend posted a selfie from the top of a mountain she had hiked with some other girlfriends. She was smiling…beaming, to be honest. She looked so beautiful and so happy. She genuinely looked as fully and completely herself as I have seen her in years. And it made my heart happy to see that look of accomplishment and freedom of spirit in her smiling eyes.
My friend was celebrating, not just getting to the top of the tallest mountain in her state, but she was celebrating a transformation and revitalization of her life. This isn’t her first transformation rodeo. She has been through a few: small town preacher’s daughter to young adult exploring the world on a gap year after college; high school history teacher; wife and mother and teacher. While she found each of those experiences gratifying in its own way, and cherishes her family and role as a mother, until her kids left the nest there was very little for her to experience in the way of doing things just for herself.
I mean, sure, there was the occasional weekend away with girlfriends or a Thursday night book club, but it’s hard to fully immerse yourself in an experience when you know that at any moment your kids or partner will text asking for something, needing you and your attention. During those brief reprieves, too often the mental load women carry hangs over them like a dark cloud raining grocery lists, permission slips, doctors’ appointments, and the dozens of other responsibilities they constantly carry.
My friend, like many of us, found it rare to become so fully engaged in an experience that it made her feel like the fullest and truest version of herself.
She has acknowledged that she does miss seeing her kids more frequently, but…without a trace of guilt she has also celebrated and embraced the freedom that comes with having an empty nest. During a recent conversation, not only did she revel in the joy of not having to cook full meals most nights, she proudly rejoiced in all the extra time she has had to devote to, as she described it, “rediscovering who I am.”
Now, instead of spending evenings after work at a kid’s sporting event, she hits the trails near her home for hikes with the family dog and even joined a hiking club — something she had always wanted to do but didn’t have time for. This, naturally, led to her setting a goal to hike higher elevations and ultimately, the tallest peak in her state. She has also rediscovered her childhood love of needlework, taking up cross-stitching again after a decades-long hiatus. And she has plans for more trips to hike more mountains.
As I approach my empty nest era, I am looking to this friend as my role model. With one senior in college and one senior in high school, it’s not far off for me. To prepare, I recently enrolled in a yoga teacher training program and will soon have my certification to teach. I have dreamed of doing this for years and finally decided the time was right.
Honestly, there is never a perfect time to chase your dreams. And there is never not a perfect time to chase them. But with an empty nest looming, what do I have to lose?
Of course, my hope is to avoid what has been referred to as “empty nest syndrome.” In her book Beyond the Mommy Years, author and professor of psychology Dr. Carin Rubenstein lists the three stages many empty-nesters experience:
1. Grief: Feelings of loss and sadness can take over when your child leaves home resulting in extreme sensitivity and even withdrawal from the world as you process the changes you’re experiencing.
2. Relief: The stage of realizing you’ve been released from the mental load of the minutiae of motherhood and can prioritize your own needs and sense of well-being.
3. Joy: Once you get off the roller coaster of sadness and relief, you should find yourself creating new routines, discovering new creative outlets, even making new friends and traveling with your partner or on your own, and as you do, experiencing new joys.
In the book, Rubenstein notes that some parents may be more prone to getting stuck in the grief stage or have trouble letting go altogether. While single parents who have had the sole responsibility for the children’s well-being may have a harder time processing their grief because they can’t share it with a partner, they may also struggle more with feelings of loneliness. Parents who have defined themselves by their role as a parent above all else may also struggle with their changing role and search for meaning. And meanwhile, helicopter parents may simply delay the inevitable as they cling to their children and attempt to manage all aspects of their college experience.
I loved my college experience more than I have words for. It’s really where I began to free myself from a controlling parent and learn who I really was and what I really loved, so I was so excited for my older son to go to college. But, I still had my youngest at home, so it definitely kept me busy. I honestly can’t say how I will feel this time next year when we are (hopefully) getting him set up at college. However, I believe giving some thought to what my empty nest may feel like can help. I also think having started the process of exploring the life I want to create for myself can make the transition easier.
