Here we are, enjoying what is for many the most wonderful time of the year. Don’t get me wrong; I absolutely love the holiday season! The lights, the excitement, the time with family and friends…I love it all, but with all of that also comes a battle with my anxiety, especially this year.
I have battled anxiety and OCD since I was in middle school. When under control, I live life almost normally (maybe a little more nervous and aware of how things could go wrong). When it isn’t under control however, it can be overwhelming. With my anxiety come panic attacks which are all-consuming. Imagine running a race at the fastest speed possible — my heart thinks that is exactly what I am doing. I can’t catch my breath, my entire body shakes, and I have the most overwhelming feeling of doom that will not go away no matter what I do.
It’s not a way to live.
Yes, I believe you should do other things on top of medication to help with anxiety. I have tried yoga, meditation, journaling, therapy, prayer, and more. Yes, some of these things help, but I still needed medication. I was ashamed that I needed medication for a long time. I tried going off of medication hundreds of times, failing every time. While talking to a doctor once, I mentioned wanting to be able to function without medication. They looked at me and said “Why? That would be like you telling a diabetic to function without insulin, or a heart patient to function with out their medication. Your brain needs this to help it work properly, to help it not see everything as danger. Your brain needs this just like any other organ that isn’t working properly needs its medicine.” I don’t know why, but that helped me see that needing medication wasn’t something I needed to be ashamed of. It was something I needed to be able to be me.
I love the holiday season. I love seeing my kids get excited, I love giving gifts…maybe a little too much. I love stuffing in every last event, experience, and activity that I can. Then I stress and worry about how I am going to get it all done, paid for, or have enough sanity to get through it. I am an introvert raising a bunch of extroverts and it is not for the weak of heart.
So, while trying my best to make all the memories with my family, I am also fighting an unseen battle with anxiety. Sometimes it’s like waking up and deciding to pretend to be someone else for a day. I don’t want my anxiety to control everything I do, but it’s always in the back of my mind telling me all the ways that everything could go wrong.
