It’s Halloween, which means the holiday season is upon us!
I’m going to take this opportunity to say something that may anger some of you – particularly those of you who may or may not be grandparents or extended family to precious little children that you are looking forward to showering with many, many wrapped and bow-topped items over the coming weeks. I say this not to hurt your feelings, but to let you know something that a lot of us mamas (although certainly not all) are feeling this time of year.
You ready?
Put down whatever it is you are about to buy our children.
Put. It. Down.
Did you do it? Did you put it down?
Now. Ask yourself this very important question: “Am I buying this because it is useful and long-lasting? Or am I buying this because it makes me feel good and will make this child excited for a few minutes?”
Because if the answer is that you are buying that gift because it makes YOU feel good, we don’t want it.
I have four children, y’all. All boys. By the time you get down the line to the fourth boy, you have ALL OF THE THINGS. All of them. Honestly, there is not one toy, book, or other non-consumable item you could buy my fourth boy that we don’t already have. The only exception is blue jeans and tennis shoes because those actually do wear out (so if you want to buy my youngest little snowflake something for Christmas, make it jeans or shoes – sizes 18mos and 5T. Thank you.).
We have become a culture obsessed with stuff. Our homes are overrun with stuff…shoot, even our cars are filled with stuff! One estimate is that the average American home has over 300,000 items. Our homes have tripled in size over the last 50 years, yet our families are smaller. We are buying bigger and bigger houses for our THINGS rather than our PEOPLE. Even the poorest among us are drowning in stuff because when those who are the wealthier among us get tired of their stuff (or need room for more stuff), they pass it along to the local thrift store.
Every year since I’ve had children I’ve looked forward to the holiday season less and less. Our calendars are bursting at the seams and hanging over my head is the knowledge that on top of all the things I am constantly moving, picking up, washing, cleaning, sorting, and tripping over, we are about to get even MORE. We will go to celebration after celebration where everyone feels like they need to give my kids something. More often than not, it is something that they love for a day or two – a week at most – and then it is tossed aside for me to clean, pick up, wash, or find a new home for (or nag my kids about doing the above). Christmas isn’t fun anymore. It’s work. It’s stress. It’s mess and clutter and chaos.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. “This sounds like a personal problem and she just needs to relax/make her kids pick up after themselves/be thankful that people want to buy them things/etc.”
I have relaxed significantly over the years (ask my husband). I do make my kids pick up after themselves. I am thankful that people love my kids and want to buy them gifts.
But…
We have too much. We have so much that my kids stand in a room filled with toys and can’t figure out what to play with. Heck, I stand in their rooms filled with stuff and can’t figure out what they should play with. There are too many choices!
So, my dear friends, allow me to suggest some ways to share the holiday spirit without buying stuff:
For kids:
- Memberships to a zoo, museum, aquarium, or other local spot. Chattanooga has several locations that offer discounted family passes, including the Children’s Discovery Museum, Chattanooga Zoo, Tennessee Aquarium, and Rock City. Especially for younger kids, who may not understand why they’re “just” getting tickets, grab a couple of items that show the fun things they’ll get to see when they go. For example, a stuffed monkey to take to the zoo, a book about sharks to get ready for the aquarium, or a science journal and pen for the children’s museum.
- Give a day, a month, or a year at High Point Climbing Gym.
- Pay for classes! Whether the recipient is a fan of dance, martial arts, computers, Legos, or cooking, there are classes available. My guess is that the mom of a bunch of kids would love to be able to take her kids to classes like these, but can’t afford it (just a hunch).
- A monthly subscription, such as Kiwi Crate. My mom bought my older boys subscriptions to Tinker Crate (for my oldest) and Kiwi Crate (for my #2) and they LOVED them. Although we’ve not had an active subscription since last spring, they frequently ask when we can get crates again. Whether the kiddo in your life likes art, crafts, building, or pretend play these boxes are fantastic for ages 3-14. This is definitely a gift that will make kids AND parents happy!
- Movie gift cards. We’re a family of six. SIX. Remember your last trip to the movies? Remember how expensive it was? Now multiply that by six. Yeah. We don’t go to the movies often. A great gift for a kid are the funds to go to a movie and the right to pick the flick! Give a gift certificate to a theater, some Dollar Store boxes of candy, a couple of sodas (for the special occasion only!) and instructions that only the recipient gets to pick the movie.
For the grownups:
- For the adults in your life, why not pay for a visit with a personal trainer? If you’re in the Chattanooga Area, call the Hamilton YMCA and request me! I’m a personal trainer who would be happy to be given as a Christmas gift. From making you feel more comfortable with gym equipment, to providing a workout and/or nutrition plan, to just being your workout buddy for a while, a personal trainer is an awesome and affordable option ($40 for an hour, or gather your friends for a small group session at a discounted rate).
- For your girlfriends, plan a paint night or attend a workshop. Last year, my friends and I had a soap-making party at For the Love of Suds in Kingsport, TN rather than exchanging gifts. We brought wine and food and spent the night learning to make bath goodies that we then got to take home! We had a great time, learned something new, and went home with something we would use. There are studios in Chattanooga that offer paint nights and private parties, and Wine Down in Ooltewah does a monthly wine and paint.
- Coffee or restaurant gift cards, especially for the parents in your life! My husband and I run on caffeine and Jesus. Jesus is free, Starbucks is not. I genuinely cannot think of a better gift than a Starbucks gift card. As for restaurants, if it’s not Chick-fil-A, the hubs and I don’t get to enjoy it together. So how about a restaurant gift card and an offer to babysit?
What I found missing in this blog was the effort to teach children the pleasure of GIVING. Why not use some of that money to find ways to help the homeless, or an animal shelter?
Barbara Jackson
What I found missing in this blog was the notion of teaching children the pleasure of giving — why not use some of that money to aid the homeless, or help an animal shelter. A personal visit to one of these places with your kids would be the kindest gift of all.
In our community we do socks for seniors, take them to the senior ciitizens, people that are alone. A quick hello, and a moment given from your heart
Our church had a mitten and sock tree in the foyers. Other things appeared there too. Scarfs, sweaters, gloves for men and women. It was wonderful to see the tree fill through Advent. We then donated to our inner city mission to the people less fortunate.
I’ve been doing that for the last 6 years. My kids are grown( all 6 of them + there other halfs) and I have 7 grandkids, gets expensive. I like to do things with them so I have given them things to do for all of us together. Whitewater rafting, indoor rock wall climbing, dance lessons, and things like that. But my best gift was that I designed a scavenger hunt through Boston. I designed all the riddles for them to figure out and we broke it up in 2 teams(boys against girls). I gave them all money for so many trips on the T and paid for a couple surprise things that they had to pick up along the way. They had to take a group pic with every answer they found. At the end the last clue brought us to the restaurant where we all ate. It was an amazing and very competative time! I also had trophies for the winning team. I am running out of ideas but they now cant wait to see what surprise I have instore for them every year. Oh yeah so for under there tree I gave each familly a box with a can of Boston Baked Beans, old maps of Boston and a riddle written in Boston slang for what was planned!!!
You are very creative, Laurie!
LOVE this!! This would be an awesome thing to do even with my family of 7, husband and I and kids 15, 13, 10, 8, and 5.
I would love to see this. We’ve never been to Boston. Is there any way to share? It’s just me and my daughter. We would have to invite another mom and daughter.
AMAZING!! Such a great idea!! Your family will have memories for a lifetime!! My kids sometimes remember the gifts they received for Christmas but they remember Christmas MOMENTS and love retelling those stories.
Thank you. My grandchildren are over run with stuff, we also made the decision not to buy toys that are not needed. Love your suggestions.
I buy for a family of four boys, much like yours. I like to take one thing off of their wish list. Last year I decided to surprise them, each received a soft cozy blanket with their names embroidered in the favorite color. They were welcomed with smiles and snuggles. So this year I will again do a special gift.I will be looking into the kiwi boxes. Thank you for writing this. I too think there is to much stuff in everyone’s lives.
As a grandparent, I’ve always wanted my entire family to adopt a less fortunate one. We’d buy their gifts and then ALL if us GO and visit that family to present them with their gifts.
Then come back to my place for a meal together to celebrate the JOY of giving.
It hasn’t happened yet but, maybe someday………
We did that when my children were little. It all went well until we delivered the gifts. It was very awkward for both families. My kids remember this very well. I would suggest instead of delivering gifts do it through a church or shelter.
Our family and adopt a family, but we have never deliver the gifts because we like to do it anonymously.
Something else in our family did–14 years, we prepared a traditional meal and served it to anyone in the community who wanted to come and join us. It was amazing!
Sorry but as a mom of 8, idk of one child who would get excited over a savings bond, or even a zoo pass. Half the fun of a gift is opening it and gift cars or the like are just not exciting. There must be an alternative, a book? cd? dvd?
Do the kids not get joy out of giving? Christmas is not about getting gifts. Since my kids were little and we had no money because I was a student, we made a bday cake for Jesus and had a family meal. They gave used toys to the hospital and they received gifts from family and friends. Life isn’t about stuff and may e it’s not exciting because they don’t realize that? Not trying to be mean but my kids love to see the faces of the people who come and get their donated toys
Agree! My daughter is 7 and in the in-between stage. She still believes in Santa and toys are a big part of that. She is still influenced by toy books and commercials, but will tire of those things quickly, not to mention doesn’t really have time to even play with her toys by the time she gets out of school, does homework, eats dinner and spends time with the family. I am totally stumped this year
my son loves our zoo pass. He asks to go at least every two weeks
As one of 12 children, a great deal of joy came from watching other people’s expressions of gratitude when they opened their gift.
Well that just sounds miserable. My best memories of my childhood were Christmases filled with wall to wall presents. We love opening gifts and appreciate when someone has thought of our children. Every year I wrap up lots of necessities (coats, gloves, boots, pajamas, slippers, underwear, face products, wall calendars, batteries, flashlights, toothbrushes, jeans, sweaters, books, and a few toys) so that we get to open lots of gifts. Sure, its a mess, but we clean it up right after we open it. And its so much fun. If you only get clothes/toys for Christmas, Easter and birthdays, they are special. The kids don’t get toys any other time. When we get a duplicate copy of a book, we just donate one of the copies to one of the kids classrooms at school. (I collect books because I love to read. So the kids have an ever-expanding collection that started with the hundreds of books I read as a child. You can NEVER have too many books…just a shortage of bookcases and wall space.)
Although I appreciated the original blog post, I agree with this Mom_of_3. I’m 64 now and my sons are 31, 28 and 26, and for my entire life Christmas has been the most intimate, loving and exciting holiday FOR OUR ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY!! We spend what money we can on each other, get sneaky in finding out what will surprise each other, *make* gifts, and as adults we still exchange “wish lists” that include *everything* from our favorite gum to new cars (which we do NOT get. LOL) We spend at least 5–6 HOURS opening gifts, one at a time, sharing and showing, laughing and loving. We eat a lot and then the WHOLE FAMILY plays board games for the rest of the day. Yes, me “make” the men and other reluctant ones play, too, and they have come to enjoy it. On Christmas Eve we usually go to church together, then we are The Norman Rockwell family and everyone gathers around the piano, plays other instruments, and we sing every Christmas song we can think of. The youngest family members are learning these songs and are learning to also love the whole Christmas celebration. Since several of us travel quite a way to get together, and it’s often the only time we’re ALL together, we extend this joyous event to 2–4 days. Many of us incorporate giving to others into this event, as well. Our family does not have rifts and grudges and back-stabbing and actually LOVE getting together. I attribute every moment of this to having a Godly family who has always put Him first, and those Godly parents and grandparents raising their children to be responsible, mature, respectful Christians. As an afterthought, and with all due respect, I think that these special memories, memories, memories would be missing something if we exchanged simply gift cards, magazine subscriptions, and memberships. Merry Christmas!!!
We really enjoy the gift giving on Christmas too. Of course that is not the only activity and not what is most important, but I don’t buy toys or many gifts other than birthdays and Christmas. I didn’t receive much as a child other than those holidays and it was part of the joy. We didn’t have a lot of money and didn’t get a lot of clothes during the year, so they were great presents. I try to get something that is needed and wanted as presents for my family. Giving at least one gift that a child is so excited to receive is great fun for grandparents. I like many of the suggestions by the author too and they would be good gifts for some. Children need to know what Christmas is actually about including the birth of Jesus and the joy of giving to others, but don’t take the joy from a grandparent who really wants to see their grandchild excited by a gift that they unwrap.
EXACTLY!
Gwen I think that those are beautiful traditions and from what you described, it sounds like it works because your family is focused on the giving. They take the time to find out what will be best for each family member so that the gifts are meaningful and not just stuff that will be discarded soon. The original post is referring to the trap people get into who buy just to buy from and aren’t really taking into consideration the person receiving the gift. For example her boys (and I have to agree my kids are the same) don’t need grandma to buy them another set of toy keys just for the sake of opening a toy. They already have them and probably none of the kids are into keys as a hobby. Society as a whole has become obsessed with “more” and “stuff” as the writer mentioned. Obviously if we were focused on the people as you and your family have been, then “stuff” wouldn’t be an issue during this season. And a zoo pass might be a great gift for a child who loves animals. I always tell my family I actually want gift cards because then they’ve given me the gift of shopping which is something I LOVE to do but rarely can. Again, the point is keeping the focus on the person instead of the gift. 🙂
This sounds like my family. We get together at Christmas with everyone, and some extra. Ages have ranged from a few months to almost 90. Although we give “large”gifts to each other, our favorite time is opening our stockings. Each member purchases a stocking present for everyone else. The gift can not cost more than $1. We get very creative at the dollar store, thrift shops and supermarkets. My sons are 23 and 21. Two years ago, we skipped the stocking tradition. My sons refused to accept the decision and still bought gifts for everyone. After all, we started this tradition over 30 years ago. Best part of our Christmas Day!
Gwen, I think the biggest gift you guys give each other is that family time. The presents could disappear, and yet if you were all together, Christmas would still be fabulous. Good for you guys.
Your Christmas sounds so full of love! There is definitely fun in opening gifts! But most children will collapse after 6 hours of opening gifts-I can’t imagine them then playing games for hours after that. We are also at the point of having way too many toys and too much stuff since we have children spanning from toddler to teen. The good thing is when they get older, they love things like music. It IS fun to see a lot of things under the tree; so I wrap up a few special things and a bunch of needed things like clothing. Lego are big fun here, and the only toys they ask for anymore; so their special gifts are Lego. It’s easy to have lots of tubs dedicated to them, and weed out the less played with items. Whenever anyone asks what they want, it’s Lego or a new sports ball, music, books, or clothes. :> Eventually, we will have Lego everywhere and joke we’ll build a floor out of it.
It’s about teaching kids that joy is not found in stuff. If opening presents is the best part of Christmas, then we’re definitely doing it wrong. Our extended family gets together to eat and play games. Then we all pile into cars to go to a movie together. The kids love that they are going to be part of the festivities because we play games that even the young children can participate in. They love that they we mix up who is going to ride with whom to the theater and they don’t have to choose mom and dad. We spend the money we can’t often afford during the year buying tickets and drinks and popcorn and giant pickles that no one can ever eat all of. Kids think toys and “stuff” are necessary because we teach them that’s what Christmas is about. That’s what is sad. Not that we can’t give gifts – things we might need like new gloves and hats and socks and t-shorts can be fun as well as helpful. But most of the stuff we get is truly money spent on things that don’t bring much joy beyond the instant gratification of the opening of it. Wall to wall presents. I’m sorry, but that’s not joy. It’s just stuff.
I agree! My kids only get toys for Christmas and birthdays, and a few small things for Easter. My house is not at all overrun with toys. When something is outgrown or not being used, it is donated. I know a lot of parents who buy toys all year round, every trip to Walmart, etc. I’m guessing that is why they are tripping over toys, certainly not because of a few well meaning relatives. Let the kids be kids. Stop rushing them. Let them enjoy a pile of brightly wrapped presents. Soon enough you will have teens who ask for nothing but money or gift cards. Then you’ll realized that you wished away your fun times. Watching the excitement in a little kids eyes to see a pile of presents under a tree.
1. Contribute to an education fund, or an investment in the child’s name. This is a perfect grandparent gift that will grow, and be appreciated in the future!
2. A special “date” or outing with the child on an individual basis – a trip, a hike, sports event, art show, museum visit, library, lunch. Time with a favourite relative for bonding, and a break for the parents.
3. For the parents, give time as a babysitter, errand runner, extra hands and/or supervision for a special event.
As much as other say this is so boring and kids would be miserable, my kids actually choose this gift for their birthdays. Haven’t tried it for Christmas since it’s such a busy time of the year, but for every birthday my mom will ask my girls ( now 8 and 11) if they want her to buy them a gift or go shopping together one day. They have always chosen for the last 3 to 5 years to spend the day together instead of having another present to open. My youngest actually got mad the first time it was offered to my oldest since my mom thought she would rather have the gift at that age. Ever since then, they both get a day out with Nana by themselves. It creates so many great memories, much more so than any store bought item ever would.
I love this article.
My suggestion:
As a parent in a house full of “too much stuff” I remember thinking that one day when I was a grandparent I would resist buying things because most children are blessed with more stuff than parents can manage. In my mind I planned that instead of things I would make a donation to their university fund instead, and even if not right away, one day the grandkids would come appreciate it. Well, resisting gifts for grandkids is much harder than I imagined 🙂 but I still think a contribution to future education may be one of the most loving material gifts a grandparent can give. But I think it is very valid that the best gift of all for children and grandchildren is the gift of your unconditional love, your listening ear – your time.
I understand the sentiment, and I think all gift givers, out of common courtesy, should consider these things before buying a gift, but…it’s still considered rude to tell someone how they should give. It’s a GIFT. We are to assume they are giving out of the kindness of their hearts, and we should be appreciative of whatever gift someone chooses to give us.
If you’re cluttered, you really should consider purging things. Maybe take a look at Marie Kondo’s book and try it out. It makes a huge difference, and now gift giving holidays are not stressful at all.
Also, I’d encourage you to talk to your kids about giving toys away to the less fortunate. It’s a great opportunity to declutter, but it teaches them generosity and how to make sacrifices for other people.
I agree. Here’s what I think you should get for my kids. How rude. And if they are swamped with toys such that they can’t think of one thing they actually want, that seems to be America consumerism at its finest, being passed to the next generation. Sad.
American consumerism at it’s finest being passed to the next generation–YES–that is what we (the parents) are trying to avoid! Please help us rather than working against us! That’s all we’re saying!
I agree to disagree. Christmas is about the kids and giving. Don’t you remember opening those special gifts from grandparents? Yes if kids are 10-15 maybe movie passes, amusement parks, gift cards are acceptable, but what 3,4,5 year old wants a zoo pass in December? Or a gift card to go buy a pair of jeans? They want that toy they see on TV that their parents are not going to buy.
Yes, teaching them to help the less fortunate I completely agree and buying educational toys is a plus. But I love the ‘junk’!
I am the proud parent of 3 grown daughters and 5 Grands.
But maybe their parents are not going to buy it for a reason. And there are a lot of possible reasons, one of which is the desire to give the child his or her parents’ time and energy, rather than spending it constantly cleaning up toys or marshalling the kids to pick up toys, or because that toy is actually pretty violent, or because they don’t want more electronics so that the child will engage in more free play or be willing to go outside and enjoy that crisp winter air. Also, it’s a different generation. They understand gift cards early on–they know it means a fun trip to the store on a random day and the fun of choosing something to take home, or a day out. You may love the junk, but that doesn’t mean I want to live in the junk or want my kids to live in the junk. If you must do it, keep the junk at your house at least!
I know a few grandparents that do keep the toys at their home. It’s a great solution for grandparents wanting to get gifts that won’t easily fit into the home of the child! When I babysat in my pre-parenting days, I bought a noisy gift for a child, and the parents let me keep it for babysitting days. I learned a big lesson! Ha! 🙂 ha!
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