It’s Halloween, which means the holiday season is upon us!
I’m going to take this opportunity to say something that may anger some of you – particularly those of you who may or may not be grandparents or extended family to precious little children that you are looking forward to showering with many, many wrapped and bow-topped items over the coming weeks. I say this not to hurt your feelings, but to let you know something that a lot of us mamas (although certainly not all) are feeling this time of year.
You ready?
Put down whatever it is you are about to buy our children.
Put. It. Down.
Did you do it? Did you put it down?
Now. Ask yourself this very important question: “Am I buying this because it is useful and long-lasting? Or am I buying this because it makes me feel good and will make this child excited for a few minutes?”
Because if the answer is that you are buying that gift because it makes YOU feel good, we don’t want it.
I have four children, y’all. All boys. By the time you get down the line to the fourth boy, you have ALL OF THE THINGS. All of them. Honestly, there is not one toy, book, or other non-consumable item you could buy my fourth boy that we don’t already have. The only exception is blue jeans and tennis shoes because those actually do wear out (so if you want to buy my youngest little snowflake something for Christmas, make it jeans or shoes – sizes 18mos and 5T. Thank you.).
We have become a culture obsessed with stuff. Our homes are overrun with stuff…shoot, even our cars are filled with stuff! One estimate is that the average American home has over 300,000 items. Our homes have tripled in size over the last 50 years, yet our families are smaller. We are buying bigger and bigger houses for our THINGS rather than our PEOPLE. Even the poorest among us are drowning in stuff because when those who are the wealthier among us get tired of their stuff (or need room for more stuff), they pass it along to the local thrift store.
Every year since I’ve had children I’ve looked forward to the holiday season less and less. Our calendars are bursting at the seams and hanging over my head is the knowledge that on top of all the things I am constantly moving, picking up, washing, cleaning, sorting, and tripping over, we are about to get even MORE. We will go to celebration after celebration where everyone feels like they need to give my kids something. More often than not, it is something that they love for a day or two – a week at most – and then it is tossed aside for me to clean, pick up, wash, or find a new home for (or nag my kids about doing the above). Christmas isn’t fun anymore. It’s work. It’s stress. It’s mess and clutter and chaos.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. “This sounds like a personal problem and she just needs to relax/make her kids pick up after themselves/be thankful that people want to buy them things/etc.”
I have relaxed significantly over the years (ask my husband). I do make my kids pick up after themselves. I am thankful that people love my kids and want to buy them gifts.
But…
We have too much. We have so much that my kids stand in a room filled with toys and can’t figure out what to play with. Heck, I stand in their rooms filled with stuff and can’t figure out what they should play with. There are too many choices!
So, my dear friends, allow me to suggest some ways to share the holiday spirit without buying stuff:
For kids:
- Memberships to a zoo, museum, aquarium, or other local spot. Chattanooga has several locations that offer discounted family passes, including the Children’s Discovery Museum, Chattanooga Zoo, Tennessee Aquarium, and Rock City. Especially for younger kids, who may not understand why they’re “just” getting tickets, grab a couple of items that show the fun things they’ll get to see when they go. For example, a stuffed monkey to take to the zoo, a book about sharks to get ready for the aquarium, or a science journal and pen for the children’s museum.
- Give a day, a month, or a year at High Point Climbing Gym.
- Pay for classes! Whether the recipient is a fan of dance, martial arts, computers, Legos, or cooking, there are classes available. My guess is that the mom of a bunch of kids would love to be able to take her kids to classes like these, but can’t afford it (just a hunch).
- A monthly subscription, such as Kiwi Crate. My mom bought my older boys subscriptions to Tinker Crate (for my oldest) and Kiwi Crate (for my #2) and they LOVED them. Although we’ve not had an active subscription since last spring, they frequently ask when we can get crates again. Whether the kiddo in your life likes art, crafts, building, or pretend play these boxes are fantastic for ages 3-14. This is definitely a gift that will make kids AND parents happy!
- Movie gift cards. We’re a family of six. SIX. Remember your last trip to the movies? Remember how expensive it was? Now multiply that by six. Yeah. We don’t go to the movies often. A great gift for a kid are the funds to go to a movie and the right to pick the flick! Give a gift certificate to a theater, some Dollar Store boxes of candy, a couple of sodas (for the special occasion only!) and instructions that only the recipient gets to pick the movie.
For the grownups:
- For the adults in your life, why not pay for a visit with a personal trainer? If you’re in the Chattanooga Area, call the Hamilton YMCA and request me! I’m a personal trainer who would be happy to be given as a Christmas gift. From making you feel more comfortable with gym equipment, to providing a workout and/or nutrition plan, to just being your workout buddy for a while, a personal trainer is an awesome and affordable option ($40 for an hour, or gather your friends for a small group session at a discounted rate).
- For your girlfriends, plan a paint night or attend a workshop. Last year, my friends and I had a soap-making party at For the Love of Suds in Kingsport, TN rather than exchanging gifts. We brought wine and food and spent the night learning to make bath goodies that we then got to take home! We had a great time, learned something new, and went home with something we would use. There are studios in Chattanooga that offer paint nights and private parties, and Wine Down in Ooltewah does a monthly wine and paint.
- Coffee or restaurant gift cards, especially for the parents in your life! My husband and I run on caffeine and Jesus. Jesus is free, Starbucks is not. I genuinely cannot think of a better gift than a Starbucks gift card. As for restaurants, if it’s not Chick-fil-A, the hubs and I don’t get to enjoy it together. So how about a restaurant gift card and an offer to babysit?
There are also great charities out there, like Heifer International, that help others and foster a spirit of giving!!!
Children hear “no” sometimes, I believe.
I wonder if everything is granted all the time, do children think life later on will be like that, too? Learning to deal w waiting or working for important things is a good thing.
I agree with a lot of your suggestions. I also have four boys, and our house is small. They don’t really need a lot. One thing I have done for smaller kiddos is to buy their favorite snacks and wrap them. The kids LOVE opening them and get excited, and the parents love that it’s not another toy.
You are absolutely right! Investing on gate passes to spend time with your kids is the greatest gift! Walking with them at the zoo or aquarium , hiking while holding their hands ( not our phones) is something that they will trasure and remember forever!
Thank you for sharing your opinion !
I love these ideas, but they’re pretty expensive. I can’t ask someone with a $20-per-kid budget to shell out for classes or a zoo membership (as much as we’d love those things).
So, additional ideas for grandparents on a budget: buy fun consumables. Art supplies, craft kits, bubble bath, bubbles, snacks (check with the parents; there’s always something that the kids love that the parents allow but never buy) – that sort of thing. Ooh, and those little tablets that make the bath water turn colorful. Those are a big hit with little kids.
For big kids: I have no idea, unless they’re into arts and crafts. Anybody else have ideas there? It has to be something that will get used up over time.
For adults: well, in my case, yarn and paint and tea and chocolate. Feed the hobbies.
I love to give my time….especially for each person. We’ve done things like Harlem Globetrotters, children’s museum, a show or a concert…. But we’ve also done things like mani/pedis at home, watch a movie (of their choice), make popcorn and play games together. It just needs to be one on one. A coupon book for whatever you’re great at works too. For instance, if you live close you can do a favorite dessert/food a month or change it up with a coupon to go thrift store hunting or having a pintrest day! Magazine or newspaper subscriptions and don’t forget almost EVERYONE needs or likes to get their hair cut or fixed. It’s meant to be a joyful time. And definitely before the holidays hit, have your kids (and maybe you too) make a big bag of donations from their previous gifts and take them to someone who needs them.
Unless people ask you, or are looking for gift suggestions, it is rude to ask for certain gifts from people. I agree that we all have too much stuff, but if someone gives you a gift, that gift is thoughtful.
I think the point of the article is that sometimes it is not thoughtful. It’s not thoughtful to keep dumping stuff at someone’s house without thinking of the burden it imposes to manage, store, pick up, get the kids to pick up, and not so easily feel comfortable getting rid of because what if you ask about it or notice that it is missing, or hear from the kids that it was donated, when you visit? It’s not so much that we want to tell you what to get, as that we want you NOT to get some things. Knowing you are going to buy something, the next step becomes offering alternative suggestions. I think that feels yucky for all involved. Grandparents and other heavy gift-givers–heed the article because it’s a hard thing for us to say. But here’s the truth: I hardly ever read to my kids before bed anymore? Why? Because the end-of-day cleanup takes too much out of all of us, and takes too long. I read that as a real consequence of your impulse buys because you bring them something–little things–every time you come. You act like we are horrible for wanting to stem the tide. I’m sorry–I know it stinks for you but the reality is the stuff is actually making our family life worse.
I have significantly reduced the number of gifts we give our kids. Last year we had a big trip planned, and so our boys knew that they wouldn’t be getting as many things They were totally satisfied with not getting many presents, and they cherished what they did get even more. They weren’t overwhelmed with 500 gifts, and had time to play with what they did get.
One rule we do use for gift giving (both Christmas and birthdays) is the 4 present rule: 1. Something you want, 2. Something you need, 3. Something to wear, and 4. Something to read. My 5-year-old got new rain boots for his something to wear last year, and he was over the moon about them. The something to read happened to be fun guide books for our trip to DC.
This year I asked my mom to get them a science museum membership instead of a gift. The best part about the membership is that it also gets us into science museums around the country – not just the one near our town. I suggested this idea to them before I brought it up to grandma, and the kids thought it was a great idea.
If my kids get money, most of it gets put in their savings account for college. My in-laws only buy one small gift for birthdays, and then donate to their savings accounts, or give a savings bond. I think it’s awesome.
I have really liked this rule of 4 too as a guide for planning what to give each of our kids for Christmas. For what it’s worth, this is what my own list has morphed into over time, though it doesn’t have the nice rhyme. 1) Something to read- I want to encourage a love of reading. 2) Something they need- For me this category includes the ‘something to wear’ category, or it may be something for school like a new back pack or lunch box, or something for their bedroom like new bedding, an alarm clock or lamp. 3) Something that helps them develop a skill- This is the one I haven’t fit into the rhyme. This may include something to encourage them with learning to play an instrument like sheet music, or working on a sport like sport gear, or increasing their knowledge like a science kit. 4) Something fun! Here’s where they get to have something they’ve been wanting just for fun because it’s Christmas. So they get those four gifts from us, and they also get 5) one gift from Santa because they’ve been good. For me it’s been a good level of letting the kids get several things to open Christmas morning, and only a couple are extra things just for fun. Yes it adds to our stuff every year, so before we decide what to get, we have an annual clean out to donate things they don’t use anymore and to better identify what they could use, and it helps us hopefully not keep accumulating more stuff than before but updating it with things they’ll currently use. Also, I do love the idea of gifting an experience as one of their gifts.
My older children, 20ish, I’ve been thinking a Lifelock subscription for a year… after all who wants to pay for that, but could really help! Maybe a couple concert tickets or something fun to go with it!! Thank you for your wise words!!
yes to all of this! I wrote a similar post last year for a local online magazine 🙂
When asked for suggestions, I’ve been asking for experiences (swim lessons, museum memberships…) but it falls on deaf ears. Or I get a comment about how that isn’t fun.
I think I’ve figured out that my in-laws get a lot of pleasure from giving things and watching their loved ones play/use them. So, while my suggestions could be fun for the receiver, they are not fun for the giver and get ignored. I could be okay with this if they bought a few things, but we end up with 50 presents between the kids at Christmas and it’s overwhelming. I purge before birthdays and Christmas (I’m making my 4yo help this year), but I’ve gotten passive aggressive comments when the giver comes over and sees something missing, which is always in the back of my mind when purging.
I’m not giving up though. My mil asked for suggestions for my kids, and so I will once again suggest swim lessons, museum memberships, and subscription boxes. I’ll throw in a toy suggestion or two to make her happy, but I know the experiences are what make childhood happy, not stuff, so I’ll continue to suggest those.
most of our out of state family want to buy the kids something so when they look at it, they will remember them. So what we do on holidays and Christmas is for every toy that comes in, another must go out. So the kids are allowed to decide what they want to keep or what is most important to them. This is a way to let the grandparents be able to give gifts and our house to not be overflowing. Hope this is helpful.
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