My Thoughts on Pregnancy: A Humorous Approach

As we are approaching my first child’s 4th birthday I have started to reminisce about my pregnancy. Being pregnant was a wonderful gift that I am so happy I was able to experience twice. I am truly amazed at what the human body can do and I know that amazement will continue to grow. The first sight of my child in an ultrasound brought me more joy than I had ever known. That being said, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies as most people know.

Here are some of my thoughts and observations I jotted down during my pregnancy journey:

• If one more person asks me how I feel, I am going to face shove them. I feel fine! Even if I didn’t, do you really want to hear the details of what’s going on?
• My body is no longer my own. It’s doing things it has never done before and it’s amazing, but also really weird. 
• Hemorrhoids are a real thing and they suck! I won’t go into any more details for your sake.
• I really want to eat fried chicken fingers ALL OF THE TIME. I have always liked chicken fingers and ate them on occasion, but it’s becoming a weekly daily thing.  
• My hormones are out of control! I cried four times while reading articles on CNN.com this morning.
• Everyone has an opinion about everything going on during your pregnancy and they will tell you their opinion, whatever the subject may be. 
• People also like to offer up name suggestions…especially their own. They think it’s hilarious.
• It’s really hard to concentrate in a meeting when your baby is moving around and kicking.
• Oh yeah…and feeling the baby kick is crazy awesome!
• I feel like a human garbage disposal. I can’t stop eating and don’t feel full when I do.  Luckily this just started in week 24, but this is bad news if it keeps up.
• I think I have become more empathetic which is probably a good thing. 
• Sneezing has become my nemesis.
• I never realized how wonderful elastic waistbands are. I’m not going to want to go back to regular pants after this.
• Why does every woman who has given birth feel it is necessary to tell me her birthing horror story? That is NOT what I need to hear right now. Oh, and they all claim that theirs was the worst and it’s not normally that bad. I am going to have to remember this and not become THAT person after I give birth. (I have tried to stick to this one even after having to spend a month in the high-risk unit.)
• People seem to be nicer to you when you’re pregnant…most of the time. See next comment.
• People can be so uncouth when it comes to commenting on your pregnancy size! Things I have been told: “Wow, I don’t think you’re going to make it to December.” “You just look really full.” “When are you due? December? Wow, you’ve got a lot of time to go.” “Are you carrying twins?” (I was not carrying twins the first time and got asked that question all the time.) “You just keep getting bigger!” I’m going to start punching them in the throat.  
• Increased sense of smell….not a blessing. They should hire pregnant women to be on the task force instead of sniffing dogs.
• I am so over people asking me how I’m feeling and how everything is going. It’s the same question EVERY SINGLE DAY from the same people. I don’t care to discuss my pregnancy with my co-workers every day. They don’t want to hear that I’m tired, bloated and have heartburn and hemorrhoids.
• Seriously…I’m going to start karate chopping people if they keep commenting on my size.
• I don’t know why they make maternity sweaters. I don’t know a single pregnant woman who wants to wear a sweater.
• I just cried my eyes out after reading an article about pigs living in filth and horrible circumstances at a pig farm. Pigs. I CRIED ABOUT PIGS! I think am swearing off pork. At least for this week.
• Who knew you can get carpal tunnel syndrome during pregnancy?
• The last month is pretty tough.

What would you add to this list? Share with us in the comments!