The Mommy Friendship Conundrum

Y’all, life is hard. Parenting is hard. Momming is hard. Adulting is hard. Everyone handles the everyday difficulties of life differently. Some people throw themselves into various exercise routines to combat stress. Some people carve out alone time every day to deal with the ups and downs of life. And some people crave deep, personal connections with others to help ward off whatever life has thrown at them. This is known as friendship.

Such a simple concept, right?

Everyone should have a group of friends they can turn to when times get tough. I’m one of these people that NEED someone to talk to about everything happening in my life. I handle my emotions best when I have a kind, listening ear. As a teenager, I looked forward to getting past the high school cliques and drama, and settling into lifelong friendships that were carefree and easy once I was an adult. Well, that turned out to be quite the misconception. Don’t get me wrong; I have a few close friends and we make it work, but making and maintaining friendships as an adult is SO much harder than I ever dreamed it would be. Why is it like this?

I know other moms desire these close relationships as well, so why are we so terrible at them?

Through high school and college, I had a pretty tight-knit group of friends. We ate $.50 tacos together every week at Amigo’s, had plans every weekend, and shared the excitement and heartbreak of every relationship we all went through. It was a fun phase of life, and I truly thought those friendships would stand the test of time. Here I am, about a decade out from that period of life, and it’s a rarity that I hang out with any of those girls. Some of them I don’t even speak to anymore. There are no hard feelings; there was no falling out to end things. We just simply grew up and grew apart. Marriages, babies, jobs, and families took priority. Plans that were made started getting cancelled and were never rescheduled. At the time, it didn’t seem like a big deal, but now those friendships have fallen by the wayside.

If you have friends that are in a different phase of life than you, it can be extremely difficult to maintain a close relationship. I got married very young. Most of my friends weren’t even in a serious relationship, much less ready to walk down the aisle. This unintentionally drove a wedge in our friendship. When I had my first baby quickly after getting married, this really threw a wrench in whatever closeness we had remaining. I didn’t understand the distance back then, but now I get it. It’s hard to relate to someone who is married with a baby when you’re still living footloose and fancy free. Who wants to hear about poop, breastfeeding, bills, and sleepless nights if they aren’t going through that themselves? As much as it hurt, I couldn’t force anyone into my new life, so we drifted apart.

As my children have grown older, started school and extracurricular activities, I’ve met so many cool new moms that I want to be friends with. Most of these moms have well established friendships/mom circles already, and no matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t seem to “break into” them. I feel like I’m stuck at surface level. It almost feels like you’re dating again to be quite honest. Do you text or send a Facebook/Instagram message? Do you schedule a playdate with just the kids or do you plan something for the whole family? How much should you discipline your children without scaring someone off? How do you make said children behave so you aren’t showing all your crazy? If anyone is like me, I over-analyze everything I say/do with these cool new moms, and it stresses me out. I wear my heart on my sleeve and so badly want to be accepted and have an instant best friend. As far as I’ve seen though, making new mom friends in your 30s is really difficult. I end up trying so hard that it exhausts me and I eventually give up. Like I said, I want an instant connection even though I know that’s not realistic.

As I’ve grown older, my life has become so much more involved and busy. Between school, church, extracurriculars, work, and maintaining a happy and healthy family, I don’t have time for much anything else. As I mentioned earlier, my priorities have shifted and I focus on my family. This leaves little time for friendships, new or old. I know my other friends that have stood beside me through motherhood are carrying the exact same load on their backs. It’s selfish of me to expect more from them than I’m giving. It’s also selfish of me to unload my burdens on them if I don’t have time for them to do the same. So, we usually end up texting back and forth saying things like, “We need to get together soon!” and “I miss seeing you so much!” As much as I love texting them, nothing beats spending time with them in person. And no matter how good our intentions are, it’s so hard to make it happen in this season of life.

Being a mom can be incredibly lonely at times, and all I want is a consistent friend or two to walk this road with. I know most moms feel the same way. Moms are the best multitaskers I know, but for some reason, friendship is the one thing lots of us struggle with the most. If you’re a gal who is blessed in the friend department, hold onto them for dear life!