A few months ago I began working in a church. I love it. I love it, in large part, because it gives me an opportunity to see faith in action, and because it exposes me to folks who adhere to a slightly different flavor of the Christian faith than I do.
Working there has made me think about my faith and what that looks like as well as my kids’ experience of faith, a lot. My sons’ experience growing up in the Catholic church looks pretty different from that of kids who attend the church where I work. But it also feels a lot different from that of other Catholic kids if I’m to believe what I see in the Catholic parenting group I joined.
Recently, I was shocked to read another Catholic mom stressing out that her adult daughter might be damaging her soul by attending a non-denominational Christian church. The number of other moms who piled on saying she had to stop her in order to save her soul floored me. Don’t get me wrong. I love the Catholic Church in spite of its shortcomings. I’d love to see female priests in my lifetime, to see priests be allowed to marry, and to see the church make amends for past abuses. Yet, the history of the church, the liturgy, the tradition, the commitment to social justice, and the intellectual approach to theology…it all speaks to me. But none of that is enough to make me believe my children’s soul is at stake if they examine their faith and choose to follow a different path. In fact, I’d worry more if they didn’t, at some point, stop and question what they’ve been taught.
Just as I sat down to write this, I saw a FB post from a friend about Rachel Held Evans’s death. My heart broke.
If you’re not familiar with Rachel stop right now and order one of her books. Hers was one of the freshest, most sincere, most beautiful voices in modern Christianity. I had not heard of her until a few years ago. She was raised in an evangelical church which ultimately ostracized her when she began questioning church teachings on homosexuality, race, abortion, feminism, and literal translations of the Bible. I stumbled upon her through the Twitter feed of another religion writer I follow and was deeply moved by her experience of deeply exploring her faith. So, much of her questioning the faith she was raised on and stepping out into a new denomination resonated with me. Many times when I felt close to abandoning my faith because things I was hearing other Catholics saying, I would read something Rachel wrote, or see a post by Fr. James Martin, Jesuit priest and a fellow questioner, and feel my faith restored.
Hearing about her death just as I was writing about it being okay for my kids to question their faith really hit me hard. Then, friend and fellow CMB contributor Melissa Laseter posted this quote from Rachel and it was a reminder how important her message about blind faith is for us parents to hear:
“I’ve often said that those who say having a childlike faith means not asking questions haven’t met too many children.”
I get it, Mama. You’ve probably been taught your whole life that your faith, the teachings of your church, maybe even your specific denomination, or even church, hold the keys to Heaven or Nirvana, or whatever reward for a life and faith well-lived your religion offers. You’re worried about your child’s soul. You’re worried your fellow (insert faith system here: Catholics, Methodists, Baptists, Free Will Baptists, Nazarenes, Presbyterians, Muslims, Hindus, etc.) will judge you because your child has left the fold. Maybe you’re even worried your Higher Power will judge and condemn you. Or maybe you’re worried that if they question their faith, your kids will start to question other ideologies you’ve shared with them, like political beliefs.
But that’s not on you…None of that. Instilling faith can be a beautiful gift. No doubt. But intellectual curiosity and critical thought are every bit as important. Questioning just means your child wants to grow and it is absolutely normal.
Questioning might lead to a rejection of faith altogether, but it can also lead to a faith that has been fully explored and examined and chosen because it truly resonates with your child’s heart, soul, and mind. Would you rather your child simply go through the motions because that’s what they’ve been taught or would you rather they dig in and really understand what it means to believe certain things and to live fully and happily in the belief system that sets their heart and soul on fire?
I was raised in the Baptist church and by the time I graduated high school I wanted nothing to do with it and thought everything I’d been taught was lies because I didn’t see the people around me living what we had been taught. I watched as my fellow Baptist teens bullied me and others they didn’t deem “good enough” and their parents did nothing. I spent a few years teetering in the realm of agnosticism before being drawn to explore other faiths. Ultimately, after trying and just not feeling any passion for a couple of other denominations, I came to Catholicism and the Church’s commitment to social justice ministries won me over. But I still question lots of things. By some people’s standards, that make me a bad Catholic, but I don’t care. At the end of the day, that’s between me and God.
As much as I love my faith, I hope my kids do question what they’re learning and find their own way to the faith that means as much to them as mine has to me. If they do, then I will know it is a faith truly and fully given and received, not just something they’ve accepted out of fear or obligation.
