To the Special Moms (and Dads!) of Special Needs Kids

To the Special Moms (and Dads!) of Special Needs Kids,

I have three kids who have attended or are attending Siskin Children’s Institute, which is an awesome early learning center that is inclusive of typically developing children as well as children with special needs. This means that there are kids that may not be just like my kids together in their class every day, doing all the normal things kids do at school. So I get to see you every day coming in and out of school and in the hallways. I’m also a pediatric dentist, so in addition to seeing young kids for dental work, an important aspect of my job is to see children with special medical and developmental needs for their dental work. So I see you with your kids in my office. And while I see you, I have noticed some things. 

What you are doing isn’t easy. Like, at all.

I always joke the biggest difference in going from having two to three children is how often people say, “Wow you have your hands full!” As I get out of the car in the mornings to take my kids into school and feel overwhelmed, rushed, and flustered, I see you. I see you pulling the wheelchair out of your car that’s not made to fit the wheelchair perfectly and sometimes straining to hold everything, while juggling all the same stuff I am trying to juggle in the morning. As I sweat and rush and stress, I see you and think I don’t have my hands full — you do. And I think about how people probably never say that to you because they don’t want to be awkward or make you feel uncomfortable, but you have your hands full and look graceful and patient. How do you do that? When I see you, I admire your ability to do this every morning. Every afternoon. All the time.  

I see how much you love your kids because of their differences. 

I see how you post photos on Facebook of each accomplishment and how proud you are of your kids. You share your triumphs and defeats. You don’t see your child’s differences as a deficit or something to “work around,” you see a perfect, sweet, wonderful child who is so loved and loves you and sometimes has a million little ways to express that in ways that I may not understand, but you do. I see my patient that is unable to communicate when they come for their dental visit and gets upset as I check their teeth but completely relaxes when we finish and you touch their face. I see the way you seek out the things that make them happy and do everything you can to make that happen. I see how much you love your child and how much they love you. It is such a deep love and sometimes unspoken understanding, and it shows me how many different ways we can show and give love outside of the “usual.” So thank you for showing me so many different ways to love our kids.

I admire that you are an advocate for your child. 

People sometimes comment that I’m a laid back mom with my kids. I see you and realize that that is a luxury. You have to be an advocate for your child. All the time. In a world that doesn’t always fit what you need, you have to make sure your child gets to do all the things they should be able to do. You want them to be able to play on the same playgrounds, go to the store and be able to ride in the shopping cart with you, or be in the ballet class because they are a dancer and dancers should get to dance. I never really thought about how I take these things for granted until I saw how you have to advocate for your child on a daily basis. You know your child inside and out and you have to speak for them, be their biggest fan, and fight for them. You are the strongest person they have in their corner and you know that sometimes they need it and sometimes they don’t. You know when to step in and speak up, and you know when to stand back and let them be. So I appreciate you helping me understand that being a “laid back mom” is a luxury and how to be a great advocate when you need to be.  

I appreciate how you share your stories with me.

You are open with what is going on with your life and you share your ups and downs with your friends. You share your pictures and stories on Facebook. This is sometimes hard, but by doing this you open my eyes to things I didn’t really know to think about because I am not in your shoes. From small stuff to really big things, I just had no idea. I appreciate how candid and open my mom friends with kids with special needs are because sometimes I don’t know the right things to say. It helps me to teach my kids how to be a friend to someone who might not be just like them. I appreciate you teaching me and helping me to teach my children.

So, through all these things, every day you inspire me to be a better mom.

As I get out of the car and I see you in the morning, all I can think is how much I admire you and the mom that you are. I struggle with the day-to-day things, and then I realize that my “normal” or rough days are probably a cake walk for you. I don’t want you to think that I feel sorry for you, because it’s not that at all. I admire you. Every day. I admire your strength and what it takes to be a great mom for your kids. I know that your life is probably always more stressful than mine even on a good day, and you still have a smile on your face and a positive attitude when I look like a crazy hot mess just trying to get my kids out of the car.

So even if I don’t tell you, “You have your hands full!” when I see you, I know that you do, and you are knocking it out of the park. So thank you for all the things you do to teach me how to be a better mom.