Body Love for Everyone But Me: Learning to Leave the Shame Behind

It’s happening. This year is the big push to become my best self. Why now? Perhaps it’s because now in my mid-thirties, I feel the window quickly closing for making significant personal development. And time slows down for no mom. The poopiness that will forever cloud 2016 in my mind is propelling me to cultivate more goodness within myself. Cosmically it finally feels like the right time to become a little more of the adult I pretend to be most days. 

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice. — T.S. Eliot

The planets had aligned, gifting me the rarest of kid-free visits to the happy place with the big red bullseye. There was a steaming soy chai latte in my hands as I gleefully strode through the entrance. I bravely dodged the ‘Dollar Spot’ only to be stopped cold in my tracks as I hit the women’s section. My favorite scarf was now dripping with chai goodness as I stood blinking in slow motion at the horror of the sight of bikinis on sale in flippin’ January. JANUARY!! Was it too much to ask for just one more month of peace while safely hiding beneath sweater dresses and turtlenecks? With grumbling reluctancy, I eyeballed the yoga mat and hand weight display close by while digesting the obnoxious messaging loud and clear.

‘Holidays are over sister, are you swim suit ready?! Are You? Huh? Doesn’t look like it! You can’t keep calling baby weight two years later…’ I pictured all of this being said to me by some 20 year old saccharin blonde who doesn’t yet know the realities of baby hip spread and ‘gravity that always wins.’ (Courtesy of Radiohead.)

My shoulders dropped as my thoughts turned to a familiar refrain of ruthless self-criticism.

In truth, these ugly thoughts have followed me throughout my life. They have gotten worse with motherhood when staring down at my soft middle and breasts that have nursed two babies and will never be the same. But if I am to be honest, I have never felt comfortable in a swimsuit, shorts, sleeveless shirts, or naked, regardless of my size. I have perpetrated body shame towards myself even at my absolute fittest. And my awareness of the nauseating vanity of this struggle makes it a lone one. The fear of hurting feelings or potentially triggering someone else’s battle with self-acceptance keeps it internalized.

What I have begun to admit, albeit pretty late in the game, is that I have much more work to do on my mental and emotional health than on my body. 

There is hope. Every day there are more uplifting stories of body positivity on my newsfeed where beautiful women are embracing themselves and the bodies they were born to inhabit. Google search ‘mom body’ and you will see thousands of stories and incredible images of mothers celebrating the folds, the scars, and the stretch marks that cover their warrior bodies. These landmarks are the tangible reminders of the life we created. The staunch feminist in me is freaking ecstatic by this long overdue progress in how women value themselves. 

I marvel then at my continual inability to allocate some of that appreciation towards myself when I know better. Deep down I know my value has absolutely nothing to do with my appearance. Yet here I am feeling like a tired cliché of the woman who is always wishing I was just a little more something else. I’m not alone bathing in this mucky tub of self-judgment. For every powerful woman celebrating body love, there is another dissecting her reflection and seeing every microscopic flaw. I’m one of those women. I don’t love my mom body, I didn’t love pre-mom body. And that has got to change. My boys deserve a better example than I am setting. They will learn to view women, in large part, from observing how I view myself. 

Can you relate?

If so, remember that the road to body positivity is just that, a road. There will be moments of weakness, but any new habit takes practice and patience. The strategies suggested for cultivating a more positive body image are simple in theory, and anything but in practice.

Here are the things to remember when your brain starts down the path of body shame:

Three Simple Challenges

• Treat yourself as well as you treat others: This could best be described as the golden rule in reverse. If we can be genuinely thrilled to see a woman love her body in any form it takes, then we can show ourselves the same love. 
• Focus on the victories: By acknowledging the times we eat mindfully and exercise for strength building, we practice body positivity. Commit to really loving the days you feel put together. If you have on an outfit that is working for you, put your head up, your shoulders back and enjoy it! Mark setbacks with mindfulness and greet destructive thoughts with the brutal axe they deserve.
• See yourself as whole, not in parts: When others look at us, they see us in entirety and likely don’t notice the flaws that so often consume us. Remember that the next time you spend fifteen minutes looking in the mirror wondering if people are noticing whatever…they aren’t. 
  

When I look at myself, I want to notice my beautiful dimples in each cheek and the cute freckle on my left eyelid. I want to see with loving eyes the scar that runs across my stomach as the sacred reminder of what I survived to birth my son. I want to see the woman who loves her boys and tacos with just slightly varying degrees of ferocity. And I want to see the woman who learned to love her body with all its imperfections and all its beauty. 

What do you love about your body? Have any tips on practicing body positivity?