Becoming a mother takes a toll on a woman’s self-worth.
From anecdotal evidence to a 2017 Norwegian study that analyzed information gathered from 85,000 women, it’s clear that many women experience a hit to their self-esteem throughout the course of pregnancy and child-rearing. The reasons that lead up to this vary, obviously, from woman to woman, but common factors impacting how a woman sees herself have a lot to do with body image, her perception of her partner and the health of their relationship, as well as how she thinks she’s doing as a mother.
This last bit is tricky.
Unfortunately, many of us judge our mothering through the lens of someone else’s perception. Whether it’s a partner whose parenting style conflicts with our own; our mother’s (or mother-in-law’s) outdated or just different views on how to mother; or that stranger at the grocery giving the side-eye because we’re not wearing our baby, everyone has an opinion. When we internalize the opinions of others about how we parent, we may end up feeling like failures and that, in turn, affects our overall self-worth. Especially when we’ve put the rest of life on hold to focus our energy on being “the best” at being mom. With nothing else to remind us of our strengths, values, and identity, we can easily fall into the trap of devaluing ourselves.
Side note: The Norwegian study indicated that self-esteem fluctuated, first dipping during pregnancy, dropping again in the first six months following birth, rising during the following year, before dropping to the lowest point during the toddler years. A woman’s perception of herself was also directly linked to how she felt about her partner. The more dissatisfied the women were with their relationships, the less they liked themselves. Women dropped out of the study when their babies turned three-years old, at a time when their unhappiness was peaking. If I were adding my own anecdotal evidence, I would bet good money that once kids start school there’s another drop as we begin comparing our kids and our ability to raise academic and/or athletic superstars to others.
If you’re stuck in Low Self-Esteem Limbo because you’ve become consumed with your value and abilities as a mother, or you’re still dealing with the ways becoming a mother upended the rest of your world, consider this: What happens when we stop focusing solely on that single aspect of our identities and remind ourselves that we are more than just mothers? As Walt Whitman said, “I am large, I contain multitudes.” So, do we all, and what better way to diversify our self-worth and regain a sense of our true selves, than by exploring the multitudes within.
After spending a long time progressing from vaguely dissatisfied with the direction of my life and discouraged by my self-perceived parenting fails, I reached a point of almost hating myself. From that point, I realized I had to learn to love myself again and rebuild my self-worth. And honestly, I think it will always be a bit of a struggle for me. But, when I feel it flagging, I’ve learned to return to these methods and to work them all – to diversify – rather than to rely on one area in particular to feel good about who I am.
1. Make New Friends
Easier said than done, I know. But far easier when your kids are little and you can get involved in a play group, Mommy & Me activities, or strike up a conversation with other moms at Story Time at your local library. The friendships you had before having a baby will evolve. Some of those friends will grow with you. Some may tell you that you’re not focusing on them enough and won’t understand the constraints of having a baby. But having a baby or a toddler is a wonderful time to make new friends through the activities mentioned above. Many churches have small groups for parents at all stages. Of course, as your kids get older there are new avenues to explore. I have met some wonderful people through the course of PTA volunteering. Some of the best friends of my life, I met by joining the Bunco group in my old neighborhood. And if you return to work after your baby is born or when your child is older, you’re giving yourself a wonderful opportunity to build new relationships. Just be open…practice saying yes to invitations when you can make them happen. And believe the effort of telling your husband he’s in charge for an evening or hiring a sitter is worth it. Then…engage.
Making new friends will spark your curiosity, engage the feel-good parts of your brain, and remind you of the things that make you special. There’s nothing like forming new friendships to help you see yourself through appreciative eyes.
2. Engage in Self-Care
It’s important to note here that you are not your body. You are so, so, so much more. How others perceive your appearance is not an issue. But how you feel about your body does matter. And whether you embrace yourself at any size or weight or whether you feel most comfortable in a specific weight range or when you’re active at a certain level, remember that you have the power to make the healthy choices that can help you reach your goal. More importantly, remember that the primary reasons for making healthy choices is to give your body more energy, to improve your overall health, and – stop and really hear this – to show yourself love.
Exercise and healthy eating aren’t meant to feel like punishments for not meeting some arbitrary expectation of beauty set by society or your partner or your mother or some mean girls at the pool. Working your body and eating well are simply ways of saying, “I love you and appreciate all you do for me” to your body. Of course, they’re not the only means of self-care; I’d encourage you to engage in ways to show yourself love and kindness. Get proper rest. Ask for help with household tasks if you have a partner to help. And if you don’t, try to turn your household chores into a game – play your favorite music and set a timer for each task and challenge yourself to do it in the time limit. And finally, but most important of all, quiet the critic in your head. You know her…the one who constantly berates you for every mistake, every shortcoming. Start noticing when she pipes up and start cutting off those negative thoughts. Replace her criticisms with affirmations about the things you like or love about yourself…and if you’re not quite to that point yet, at least give yourself the gift of acknowledging that you’re trying. Self-care, in all its varied forms, can transform the way you see yourself. When you begin to take even the smallest steps to show yourself the same love you give to others, you will be amazed at the impact it has own how you value yourself.
3. Take Up a New Hobby (Or Revisit An Old One)
What did you love doing before you had a baby? What were you really good at? Rock climbing? Running? Knitting? Painting? Political Activism? Volunteering? Cooking? Writing? Sewing? What made you feel talented and special, powerful, or generous? What is something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t had a chance to yet? Maybe now is the time to get back into that thing you loved or to embrace something new. For me, returning to a daily yoga practice felt both indulgent and empowering. It also ticked the self-care box and planted the seeds that blossomed into a new appreciation for the woman I had become after having children. I also took up hiking, gardening, birding, and discovered I love paddle-boarding. And each of those activities has helped me see, redefine, or give a name to strengths I never knew I possessed. Hiking helped me see myself as adventurous and having endurance. Gardening and birding revealed my love of and understanding of nature as well as an ability to learn new things. And paddle-boarding highlighted my ability to try something new, make a fool of myself, and get back up and try again when failing, while also letting me see that I had the courage to stand inside my fear and do something that scared me.
4. Grow Your Mind
The feeling that you’re not as smart as before you had children hits many women very hard. It can impact a woman’s self-worth more than almost anything. Whether it’s the impact of hormones on your brain, the fog of sleep deprivation, lack of stimulation, or the toll of the mental workload mothers carry, having kids definitely feels like it contributes to cognitive decline. Like self-care, feeding and nurturing your brain can have a real and positive impact on the way you see yourself. So, choose your inputs wisely. Find friends who feed your need for mental stimulation. Read. Even five minutes a day of reading is better than no minutes. Meditate. Look at art. Take on a new challenge at work. Learn something new. Do puzzles. Figure out the thing you’re good at that works your brain and do that. You will marvel at both the cognitive and emotional changes that happen, even faster than you expect. And as you experience these changes, you will start to feel it…a growing sense of pride in who you are; joy in your accomplishments. That is self-worth.
