You hear the buzz, a word here, a word there, the quick change of topic when you approach. The understanding sinks in like a large boulder at the bottom of your stomach — there is a gathering, and your child is not invited.
Whether it is a birthday, a barbecue, a pool party, or simply a gathering at the library, it is painful to feel left out, and as a parent, knowing that your child is left out adds a layer of sadness and anxiety that is difficult to banish. However, it is inevitable. Parents can’t afford to invite all the children to every event. It’s good for your child to have time with a few close friends for a special event or day. So, leaving others out really is unavoidable.
Logically, we all understand these facts, but it’s challenging to face your child’s hurt feelings and keep that logic intact.
For those of us with ADHD and anxiety, the feeling of being left out is enough to start a self-deprecating spiral that can cause issues for weeks on one’s ability to cope with other parts of our lives. I’ve faced it many times and now see it happening to my daughter.
So, how do we talk to our children when this happens? How do we ease the hurt and help them get past the disappointment?
Usually, I try to make sure she does not find out about the event in the first place. If she already knows about it, we discuss why she might have been left out. Is it a small event? Yes? Then, it is normal for just the closest friends to be involved. Was it a big party? Did most of the class get invited? That’s more difficult to parse, so I try to acknowledge the hurt feelings and encourage her to think about other parties she has been invited to and to ensure we appreciate our friends who treat us well.
Growing up is learning that you are not going to be liked by everyone. During some seasons you will have an overflowing support system of friends and family, and at other times you might feel quite lonely. It’s a lifelong journey and one I’m still trying to figure out myself. So, I am just trying step by step to help my daughters thrive in their emotions and friendships as best I can.
