Let It Be: Letting Go of Expectations So Your Child Can Find Their Own Way

Before my sons were born, like most new parents, I had big ideas about the kinds of kids and men they’d grow into, the kind of mom I’d be, and what all of our futures looked like. Naturally – because Life – I had to let go of my expectations and toss out any plans I had made.

Of course, I sit here writing this less than a week after a broken and troubled child murdered 14 of his peers and three teachers at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida. As I prepared to write, a news alert flashed on my phone about a 7th-grader in Ohio who attempted suicide in a bathroom at his Middle School.

Pretty much the only thought I have for my sons’ futures at this moment is a prayer they both have a future and that they will, first and foremost, be happy and kind.

That said, Sweet Mama, I know you have visions of your child suiting up for the big game and scoring the winning goal. I know you see your baby girl walking across the stage at graduation and accepting ALL the trophies for her academic prowess. And that’s definitely your child in that vision over there, roses at his feet, taking a bow after blowing the audience away with the piano concerto he wrote himself.

I had very similar ideas of who my sons would be, but by the time my older son was in Kindergarten, I began to see that his strengths and interests didn’t necessarily align with my vision of him manning the International Space Station or being the first astronaut to man a spacecraft that could travel at warp speed. When number two came along and we saw his solid frame and felt his strength as he bowled us all over roughhousing, we just knew we had our own little lineman and signed him up for flag football when he told us he wanted to be a football player like his uncles, only to have him stop running halfway down the field because he didn’t like being sweaty. We got a laugh out of it and although we made him finish the season, we never made him try football again. We trusted him to know himself well enough to know what he enjoyed. The next summer he attended art camp and we have had lots of discussions about where he will open his art gallery ever since.

So, most of our expectations fell away and we watched as our children’s real strengths and interests emerged and we have encouraged those full-tilt.

Getting there took a lot of trial and error and because they are only 15 and 11, they still have room to learn what subjects, ideas, and experiences excite them. The kid who doesn’t like sweating discovered he’s pretty good at golf and enjoys hiking. He has trouble getting his homework done but can tell you hundreds of facts about animals you never knew existed and has a vocabulary that has sent me, an English major who loves words, to the dictionary. Fifteen still plays basketball, which he started in first grade and he works hard at it because he loves it. He also loves his language classes, writing, history, and says he wants to learn guitar. And his quick wit and sense of humor have become a gift that frequently breaks up moments of frustration or tension in our house.

But, my kids also enjoy a healthy amount of downtime…creating with Legos, running around with friends in the woods by our home, listening to music, watching movies, and playing video games. I know some parents think our laissez-faire style and mostly laid-back attitude will mean our kids never succeed or do great things. I think it means we’ll help our children grow into happy, well-adjusted young men who can function without having someone else making decisions for them. And there’s scientific evidence to back up my loosey-goosey parenting style. A new book by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson called The Self-Driven Child explores the link between parental control over the lives of kids and mental health disorders like anxiety, depression, and self-harm. They assert that the structured and busy world we have created for our kids where we fill every minute with team sports; art, music, dance, and language lessons; tutoring; and try to make our kids better versions of themselves is creating a generation of anxiety-riddled humans who have no sense of autonomy, feel stressed and exhausted, and have no control over their own lives.

That’s definitely not what I want for my kids.

So, even though I turn into an anxious mess when I look around and see all my friends are doing with their kids to ensure they succeed in life and wonder if I should have forced my oldest to stick with his clarinet lessons, I stop, take a deep breath and remind myself that the kids are gonna be alright. By letting go of my expectations of who I want them to be and simply loving and embracing who they are, I hope that I am arming my sons with a sense of unconditional love and the knowledge that they are always safe to be themselves with me, and in so doing, shielding them from at least some of the anxiety and stress that naturally come with growing up.

What expectations for your child have you let go of that improved your relationship or made your child happier? Does the idea of letting your child have more control frighten you, and if so, what about that scares you? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.