Hello everyone! Today’s topic is self-love and how best to avoid passing that pesky self-hatred I currently feel to my beautiful, perfect, and extremely perceptive daughter.
To be clear, my daughter will be beautiful to me no matter what she looks like and that will never change. But at some point, what I know won’t matter to her. In a few short years, what others say, how they look at her, how they include or exclude her, and the internal demons all women battle will begin to speak so much louder than a mother’s love.
My goal is to figure out some way, a magical formula of love and knowledge, that allows her to keep everything in perspective. As she grows through those awkward teen years, stumbles into her sexuality, and becomes the amazingly wonderful woman she will be, I want her to see beyond the unattainable beauty of air-brushed models. When acne scars, stretch marks, and the inevitable tummy shelf starts accumulating, I want her to be able to face herself in the mirror without flinching or cataloguing what is “wrong.”
I want so badly for her to love herself. But how in the world can I teach her self-love when I struggle so badly to even tolerate myself?
At this point, I don’t flinch in mirrors because I avoid them, along with photos, bathing suits, clothing stores, parties, and most other mediums that require me to notice myself. (I do see the irony in this last bit as I write a very intimate reflection.) When I do accidentally glance in the mirror, or am unable to avoid a photo, I don’t like what I see. At times it is much stronger than dislike. (At this point, I feel I should point out that I am ok. I will be ok.)
Those who know me well understand this battle runs deep, beyond marrow and sinew and to the soul.
It’s not as simple as a new hairdo or diet, though I actually do need both. I am working on the soul part of the equation and I know my newfound faith will undoubtedly help. But, as I strive for enlightenment, each step proves difficult, prone to backslides, and painstakingly slow — like those nightmares where you are running from a T-Rex and your stupid feet just wont go faster. I’m afraid that by the time I get it figured out, the T-Rex and I will be having in-depth discussions about dental floss and…I will have already hurt my daughter, contaminating her with this inability to love inwardly.
Pretty hefty thought there, isn’t it?
It’s both galvanizing and paralyzing to try and grapple with all of this. I wish I could say I have the formula all figured out, but I really don’t. To begin, I’ll continue proving to her that everyone and everything is beautiful. I’ll teach her to look at someone and, instead of seeing flaws, to notice what makes a stranger unique, fun, interesting, and beautiful. Maybe, just maybe, if she can do this enough, when she sees her own ever-changing reflection, she will automatically do the same with herself.
I also intend to be as open and honest with her as possible as she faces uncomfortable stages. Yes, acne sucks and it’s the unfortunate truth that we will have it and the scars forever, but we can find new ways to take care of our skin and never give up self-care out of pure despair. When she gains those 15 extra college-freshmen pounds, I’ll point out that she is having an adventure and that worrying too much about such changes might make her miss the best parts of the journey. When pregnancy distorts her skin permanently, I’ll be there to help her breathe through the realization that all miracles are precious because they are usually also costly.
I hope my feelings and the battles I’ve faced will also prove healing for both of us. And, even though I’m in a down period now, I do take heart in that I know what I feel is wrong. I know there is something there to love, even if I can’t quite see it. I am worth the work it will take to shift my perception. And well…it may not be much…but it’s a start.
I love your heart. I, too, want to protect my daughter from outside influences, but I know I can’t. What I CAN do is pour God’s love into her and help her to understand where her worth and identity truly lie because she is fearfully, wonderfully, and uniquely made by the creator of the universe who loves her infinitely more than I do. As an adult, I’ve struggled to understand how God feels about me. He’s teaching me day by day, but it’s still a struggle. I recommend a book called “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” by John & Stasi Eldredge, and when your daughter is older, you can share it with her too. Prayers for you as you grow in your new faith <3
Thank you for opening up about your journey! I’ll have to check out the book you suggested. Have a fantastic summer!
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