I don’t lose well. I never have. I cling to the people and things I love with fierce loyalty. Once I listened to a John Mayer CD for an entire year because I loved it so much. My daughter ended up hiding it because she had endured all she could take and couldn’t bear to listen to another song. Who could blame her?
I know change is good, and for the most part I really do try to embrace it, but when change is brought on by immense loss, it rattles me to my core.
I recently lost a family member, and it has left us all devastated. I know loss is an unavoidable part of life. People give up on relationships. Jobs are terminated. Kids grow up and leave home. Sickness weakens and leads to death.
Sometimes there is tragedy that leaves us all slack-jawed and wondering why. And, for the life of me, I can’t figure out how to just get on with it and live life despite the gaping hole. How do I push past the disorientation of loss and be a wife, a mom, and all the other roles I am called to? I try to build a bridge across the chasm, but I struggle hard. I look around and wonder, “Is anyone else struggling to get across this pit?”
Frozen in place and frantic inside, I panic.
I remember the words to How I Got Over, a song by Mahalia Jackson I grew up singing in church. I have vivid memories of the little church on Happy Top Hill where the deacons would stand at the front of the church and lead us all in song. The women’s soprano voices would pierce the air, confirming for me the almighty power of God.
Yet, the question still looms: how did they make it over, and how will I?
When my dad passed, my entire life changed. Not only had I lost my hero, but we went through a lot of other changes as well. We sold our home, moved to a new town, and changed jobs and schools. We basically started life over from scratch. For someone who doesn’t love change, this was devastating to me. There were days when I had to remind myself to breathe because the grief was too much to bear.
In search of answers and friendship, I attended a women’s Bible study group at Rock Point Community Church. They were beginning to read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I immediately fell in love with this book and knew it was exactly what I needed at that point in my life. It seems Voskamp has discovered a way to live a full and happy life, despite the tragedies she has faced. For her, the bridge across the gaping hole of loss is gratitude. She writes that, “The brave who focus on good things bring the fullest light to the world.” How do I become one of the brave who bring light instead of fixating on my own pain? Or, like Daniel who gives thanks even when he’s in the lion’s den?
Voskamp decided to “give up resentment for gratitude” by making a pact with a friend to write down 1,000 gifts–big and small–that God has given her. She believes that the simple act of identifying these gifts adds meaning to them and requires her to slow down and fully appreciate them. I’m trying to do the same thing. Our pace of life is so hurried. With three kids who are all involved in sports and school activities, we’re always rushing from one place to another. This may require me having five different journals in five different places, but if it worked for Ann, I’m willing to give it a shot.
She also confesses that she has often lived as though “God has stolen what is rightly hers.” It’s hard to admit, but I’m pretty sure I’m guilty of this, too. Voskamp writes that, “When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn’t all become gift?” She’s right. I wish my dad was here to give me advice and go with us to my kids’ basketball and volleyball games, but God doesn’t owe me that. Having my dad for 36 years was a gift. I see now that it could have been less.
In our pain, God speaks to us. Voskamp writes that He says:
“You may suffer loss but in Me is anything ever lost, really? Isn’t everything that belongs to Christ also yours? Loved ones lost still belong to Him–then aren’t they still yours? Do I not own the cattle on a thousand hills; everything? Aren’t then all provisions, in Christ also yours? If you haven’t lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost.”
That’s the best news! We will be reunited with loved ones. Through Christ there is always hope, which brings the possibility of joy in the midst of loss. I want to be aware of God’s goodness toward me and be satisfied with the gifts He brings. I’m writing my way to having a heart full of gratitude and joy.
The beginning of my list of 1,000 gifts looks something like this:
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My boys’ new haircuts.
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My husband who is patient enough to give them.
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Watching my kids play in the backyard.
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Weather warm enough for Chacos.
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My mother’s laughter.
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Hardwood floors placed by my father’s hands.
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A surprise breakfast delivered by a faithful friend.
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Brightly colored handmade quilts.
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The T.V. show This is Us (it really is that good.)
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My new Anita Baker CD!
