Just Say No

A little background: I am a mom to four boys, ages 12, 10, seven, and four. I homeschool them. We have no family nearby, and childcare is 100% up to my husband and me. I work part-time as a group fitness instructor, personal trainer, and Parkinson’s Outreach Coordinator. I am active in my church. I prepare three meals and a snack seven days a week for six people. We have two dogs, two cats, and a bearded dragon. My mom is in a nursing home three hours away and I go visit her once a month. I really like a clean house, so I try my best to stay on top of cleaning and laundry. I need eight hours of sleep a night to function and typically get up at 5am. I am currently competing to be the Muscle and Fitness Ms. Health and Fitness 2019 (vote here!) and run a growing social media page. 

Yet I still have a hard time saying “no.”

Isn’t that ridiculous? Seeing my life written out I think, “Well, of course I should say no when someone asks me to sub a class/take on a new project/attend that social event.” Like so many others, though, I struggle with saying no. Maybe it’s because I assume people know more about me than they do or perhaps I feel like there are expectations to be met. Whatever the reason, I am frequently overextending myself, resulting in exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed, and filled with regret. 

A sweet friend recently told me something that completely changed my perspective. As I complained about taking on yet another obligation that I was “too nice” to say no to, she said “You know, when you say yes to one thing, you are saying no to something else.” It was in that moment I realized that by saying yes to subbing a class for someone, I had said no to spending time with my kids. I had said no to the rest I needed to successfully navigate my day. By saying yes, I’d really said no. 

I often have quite a lofty view of myself and what I can accomplish, so figuring out what I can or should manage is still difficult. It is with this in mind that I’ve come up with some helpful tips for when to say no, and when it might be ok to say yes:

1. Find your priorities.

Our priorities are ever-changing, so this is something that has to be revisited often (once or twice a year, perhaps, or even more often). What are your values? What do you want to maintain, improve, or change? The things that fit with your values and your focus should be your yes. Other stuff? Likely a no. For me, homeschooling takes priority during the school year. I make it clear that I cannot work on certain days because those are our schoolwork days. I’ve also found that I need the early morning time on those days to get the house in order and prepare our lessons, so that rules out late nights and early morning classes. Summer becomes a little stickier, as we don’t have our regular school days, which leads me to the next tip: 

2. Know your limits.

I’m terrible at this, so I often have to ask my husband or good friend if it looks like I’m taking on too much or something that doesn’t fit. For example: a friend of mine hosts a monthly book club. It’s a 30-minute drive from my house and doesn’t start until 8pm. Remember what I said about needing eight hours of sleep and getting up at 5am? Well, I thought this book club sounded like a lovely idea. My husband looked at me in my eyeballs and said, “There is no way you’re going to do that and be happy about it.” He was right. For the most part, only you know what you can handle. If something becomes available or is asked of you that is outside of what you can handle, say no and move on. 

3. Seek out people who share your values who will encourage you to stay focused.

It’s hard being a mom with an early bedtime when your besties are childless and hitting happy hour after work. I have a wonderful group of folks around me at work who are constantly reminding me of what is really important to me right now (my family!). When I am tempted to say yes to too many things, these friends remind me of my focus. 

4. Don’t make quick decisions.

I’m a pleaser. I genuinely like most people and want to make them happy, so when someone asks me to do something, my first response is almost always, “Sure!” I’ve learned, however, to buy myself some time so I can think it over, check my calendar, and ask my people if it’s something I should take on. This little trick I learned from an old friend who always responded, “Let me check with my husband” when she was asked to do something. At first I found it little odd (and adorable, if I’m being honest), but then I realized that this was the friend who always followed through. It turns out that “let me check with my husband” was just buying time to consider her decision so that she didn’t say yes too often. She wasn’t the friend who cancelled plans because, when she said yes, she had done so with thought and planning. It never hurts to say, “Let me check my schedule and get back with you.” Slow the decision making process so that you have time to consider what your yes will really entail. 

5. Stop feeling guilty.

As moms we pour ourselves out 24/7 — literally night and day — yet the world expects us to give far beyond that. Know that you are doing your best and there are many other people who can take on that bake sale or class or clothing drive. I kid you not, I just got a text message asking me to sub a class today, but I am already teaching this evening. Yes, there is a twinge of guilt in saying no — and I did say no — but I must remember that I am not the only person in the world who can teach that class. In saying yes to teaching another class, I would be saying no to my responsibilities at home, and that is something I am not ok with. 

Mamas, you do not have to do it all. You do not need to say yes to all of the things. Sit down and decide what is most important in this season and save your very best yes for those things. Know that there will come a day when you have the time and energy to say yes a little more often, but for now, just say no!