Hi! Welcome to Chattanooga, Mama.
You just made your move here and I know you feel worn out from planning it all. Choosing a neighborhood. Finding a house. Packing. Worrying. Moving beats all when it comes to emotional overload.
I so want to tell you that you’re going to love it here and your life will blossom and flourish in ways it never has before. And honestly, it just might. Mine has. I’ve grown in ways I never imagined. I’m stronger. More confident. And I’ve made lovely friends who are as dear to me now as sisters. I’d also love to tell you how sweet, kind, generous, and friendly the people here are as well. It’s true, they are. The only rude people I’ve encountered here in two years are the two young women who sat beside me and talked through an entire concert recently.
I want to reassure you that you belong here and everything falls into place. But…I would do you a disservice if I didn’t let you know that the experience of moving to your new home doesn’t end when you unpack that last box.
The trauma of moving comes in waves. Just when you start to feel comfortable and at ease in this new place, a spark of grief for what you left behind or the jolt of realization that you don’t quite fit in or haven’t been accepted into one group or another hits, and it feels like moving day all over again.
I moved here nearly two years ago. Even though it wasn’t my choice to move – we came for my husband’s job – I approached the move with excitement, full of plans for creating a new life for myself and my family. Yet, as recently as last weekend, I found myself heartbroken and in tears because I still have moments of feeling like an unwelcome outsider. I don’t want to discourage you. I tell you these things so you won’t get discouraged with yourself if all doesn’t feel hunky-dory after a few months in your new home or if you find yourself feeling hopeful and optimistic one day, but lost and alone in the Scenic City a few days later.
Let me share a few things I’ve figured out that help me when I feel displaced:
Moving never feels easy, even when you choose it and have a career lined up or friends and family waiting in the new city.
The feelings of stress, anxiety, and loss multiply when you move out of necessity to follow a spouse to a city where you know no one…especially when you leave a community of friends, family, and your job or volunteer commitments that give you a sense of purpose. Feelings of sadness are normal. You don’t need to pretend that everything is wonderful. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. It’s even okay to be angry if you took one for the team by moving. Just don’t let yourself get bogged down in negative emotions. Keep looking for the silver linings. I promise you’ll find them.
It’s not you, girl! It’s totally them.
Remind yourself of this every time you think you’re being paranoid when the conversation seems to shift or drift into awkward silence when you walk up to the other moms waiting outside the school. Chattanooga feels especially prone to cliques. This feels especially true at private schools where the cliques seem to form around whether you went to school there and how long your kids have been students. It’s hard to join a group of parents who have all been friends since their kids were in Kindergarten and feel accepted right away. And honestly, I don’t even think anyone actively realizes they’re excluding the new parents, and I’m sure they’d feel badly if they knew, because, yes, everyone here is honestly very nice. But, it’s hard for people who have never moved or lived anywhere else to put themselves in your shoes. And for good or bad, the majority of folks I have met here have never lived anywhere else unless it was up the road at UTK.
My advice? Just keep being friendly. Accept invitations to social events – school fundraisers and the like – as they come up. Volunteer when you can. It really is a terrific way to meet people. If you’re shy, focus on the work to be done, but do try to smile and say hello! These people may never become your best friends, but then again, you never know. I should note here that every one of the friends I feel closest too here in Chattanooga is either a transplant like myself, or someone who can somehow identify with my feelings of being a misfit. One of the women I am closest to in Chattanooga and who has gone out of her way to make me feel a part of this town, is a fellow mom at my younger son’s school whom I met at the class Halloween party. She was super sweet and introduced me to all the other moms at the party. As it turned out, she was also new to the school and although she knew some of the other mamas socially, she could relate to my insecurity as I stood on the outside of the group looking for a way in.
Finding a job also falls into this space. It feels very much about who you know here. In fact, it doesn’t just feel that way. So, if you plan on looking for a job, consider joining a networking group like the Chattanooga Women’s Leadership Initiative. As you make friends, let them know the field you want to work in and always put out feelers.
Prepare for false starts.
This analogy has flaws, but bear with me. In some ways, moving – no matter where you end up – can make you feel like you’ve traveled to the Upside Down, the alternate reality in Stranger Things where things look like damaged, impossibly wrong versions of reality. Whether you seek a sense of purpose to fill the void of your days or long for human connection or simply want to pick up with a hobby you loved in your previous life, you may look to the projects, opportunities, or activities to which you previously committed. You will gravitate to your comfort zone. The things you did before just might not fit as well here as they did before.
For me, I thought I needed to join a gym and get involved with the PTA or Home & School Association as it’s called at my son’s school. In Atlanta, my gym felt like a second home, its members and the trainers, cheerleaders who always supported one another. At our neighborhood school, the PTA had literally dozens of activities and programs to volunteer with, which I had done for nine years. In my last year there, I served as President. The two years prior I served Vice President of Programs. I loved helping make things happen at our school and in the years between jobs, volunteering gave me a sense of purpose and allowed me to exercise many of the skills and brain cells I feared would atrophy from being stuck in mommy mode 24/7.
So, I joined a gym very soon after moving here. And soon after school started, I looked for opportunities to volunteer at school. Joining the gym felt like a total misstep. No one smiled or said hello. Everyone focused solely on his or herself and it felt very macho and not so welcoming of women. Thank goodness for Pure Barre and yoga. While I haven’t yet made any real life friends through either activity, I never feel out of place or unwelcome when I visit local studios.
Unfortunately, there were not as many opportunities to volunteer at school, but I jumped in where I could. At the end of the last school year, someone nominated me to serve as Home & School President. In a sad competition of one, I won. Still, I felt excited to get involved and I saw it as an opportunity to make a difference in a community. I feel very strongly and passionately about school fundraising and community-building, and I’m not half bad at it. I had lots of big ideas which received lots of pushback. One other H & S board member approached pretty much every idea I had with contempt. I also frequently encountered the phrase “Well, that’s not how we do it.” Despite all the experience I came in with, my love for volunteering, and the joy I experienced in the throes of planning and executing events and working with other volunteers, my overall experience left me exhausted, exasperated, and defeated. And yes, once again, feeling as if I do not belong. Knowing my younger son has some things he’s dealing with and needs me more, and following a two-month illness of my own, I decided not to run again, even though there’s so much more I know we could accomplish! Contrary to that experience, however, I have felt nothing but elated by experiences interacting with Moms for Social Justice, a group that took me out of my comfort zone of merely making financial contributions to groups I care about. Because of them, I participated in my first protest march in 20 years, bringing my son along. I feel so much joy to see the women in this group embrace women from all walks of life, political perspectives, ages, races, and yes – even people who weren’t born and raised here!
I tell you all of this merely to say, you won’t get it right on your first try. You’ll try things that feel comfortable and familiar only to realize they’re not the same or that moving has changed you and given you new priorities. Once you realize you’ve turned into the square peg, don’t keep trying to fit yourself into the round hole. Look to new experiences and opportunities that let your true, new self shine!
I hope I haven’t discouraged you, but rather helped you understand the emotional impact moving has.
We expect our kids to face these challenges but assume we’ll have a handle on it or that after a few months we will make friends and everything will fall magically into place. Oh! To dream! Please show yourself the kindness you would give anyone else in your situation. Give yourself the gift of trying new things. Whether it’s hiking or kayaking or paddleboarding, Chattanooga has ample opportunities to explore nature. Also, make sure you reach out. Act with intention. When you meet someone you like, follow up on those vague plans to get together for coffee or drinks. Invite the nice couple from church over for dinner. Make a playdate with the cool mom you met at the park and follow through. Not all of these encounters will work out, but you might just end up being the catalyst for a new social group that makes you finally feel a part of this community.
Great article, Dawn. Thanks for sharing!
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