I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

I am a blogger now — it’s something I’ve decided to take on because I love to write, and at least once a month, I am expected to produce something for you to read on a certain topic. I love reading others’ thoughts, learning new things, and seeing new points of view. As I’ve been doing this for a little while now, I finally came to the realization that I really don’t have that much wisdom on any given topic, and if I had it, I’ve already exhausted it.

So I’m here today to admit to you that I don’t know what the heck to write about. I also don’t know what to cook for dinner. Or what to send for the Thanksgiving feast at school. Or how to get my kids to try new foods. Or why the bathroom smells like pee no matter how much I clean it. It seems to me that my adulting button is missing, and I’ve decided (at least for right now) to be ok with that.

In fact, I’m choosing today to embrace the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. So here goes…

When I walk into the bathroom and find that my precious son has smeared blue toothpaste all over the counter and the floor with his hands, I know for sure… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.

When we’re getting ready to leave for school and someone knocks over my coffee, which requires a 10-15 minute clean up process, I conclude… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.

When there are six emails waiting for me, all of which require me to schedule an appointment, bring a food item, or make a phone call, but my brain is ready to explode, I consider that… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.

When my husband kindly informs me that I left the van door open all night and should probably check the vehicle for wild animals, I remember… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.

When I get too animated in my conversation and accidentally knock a newly finished Lego Obi Wan interceptor out of my son’s hands, smashing it into pieces, I shake my head and think… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. 

When I open my mouth and say something incredibly childish or sarcastic and I can see someone get uncomfortable in my presence, I’m reminded… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.

I have no idea what I’m doing. Most of the time, I haven’t the foggiest idea of how to do any of this life stuff. Don’t get me wrong — I am lucky/blessed to have the life I have, and I try not to take it for granted, but I also don’t have a clue how to do it — how to live this life. There’s not a single day that goes by where I can say I was ready and equipped to handle this whole day. I more feel like I fly by the seat of my pants, taking my cues from my surroundings.

Most of my shining moments in motherhood and life happen through happy accident. On the rare occasion that someone praises me for ___________, I usually have to admit that I stumbled upon the idea by accident. I’m not that smart or crafty, and sarcasm alone doesn’t run a household (I’ve tried). It’s trial and error, some tears, and lots of head shaking that make my world go ’round.

Good news, friends — I have discovered that I’m not the only person who feels this way. Any mention or confession of this to my friends has been met with an overwhelming sigh of relief. So either I have a bunch of hot-mess friends (but I love y’all dearly), or we all feel this way! There is strength in numbers! So look around at all the people who have it “together” — they have no idea what they’re doing either! We really should start a club and buy some t-shirts!

My charge to you is to admit it — admit when you have no idea. Admit when you’re lost or clueless. Admit when you have no idea what you’re doing. There’s power in admitting it, and you’ll find that you’re not alone. Besides, I think that regardless of whether I feel like an adult or not, I’m making life happen, and since all my people are alive, functioning, and relatively happy, I must be doing it decently. So go forth with the knowledge that even though you feel like you don’t know how to be an adult, mom, wife, friend, or whatever nametag you currently wear, most of us feel the same way, and we’re hiding out behind a frozen smile, shifty eyes, or in my case — deep sarcasm.

Soldier on, friends.