Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? I’ll Tell You Why…

This is not a post I wanted to write, but one I feel obligated to write. Trust me when I tell you that much of what I share here and my candor – or lack thereof – may, in fact be driven by the very hormone-fueled torture I’m here to write about: perimenopause. 

A few weeks ago a friend and fellow CMB contributor shared a post from another blog where the writer opined that no one had ever shared with her the horrors of perimenopause. Lots of women commented with commiseration but all seemed to be wondering the same thing. Pretty much none of them had a clue what to expect in the years leading up to menopause. In fact, many had never even heard of perimenopause or knew that there’s a 5-10 year period (it varies from woman to woman) where your wildly fluctuating hormone levels cause all kinds of symptoms you’ve never experienced before. 

The list of symptoms that come with perimenopause looks as diverse as the range of women in the world.

Mine started with crippling anxiety that started about a week before my period leading up to deep, dark, can’t-stop-the-tears sadness for two or three days before my period started. My new periods were the only blessing in this situation. They changed from a scene in The Shining that lasted a full week, to three days of something barely noticeable. At first, I didn’t link the emotional turmoil to my cycle. Only when I started tracking what was triggering the anxiety and sorrow because it would disappear as mysteriously as it came, did I make the connection. The fun, for me was not over. Now here’s where having friends just a wee bit older helps…two friends who had already been doing the Peri dance for a couple of years talked about how fatigued they’d get and the joint pain that often accompanied their PMS. So, about six months ago when I found myself feeling like I had a flu without a fever that went away and then it happened three months in a row, I finally put the pieces together and realized that as soon as my period began, the “flu” cleared up. In fact, as I write this, I’m having one of the worst days I’ve had in a while. I felt so achy and fatigued today it took every ounce of willpower to make myself go to work. 

I’ve been using a natural form of progesterone and DHEA for a couple of years now and swear by them for helping me control my emotions. They’ve made an incredible difference. 

But…symptoms and treatments aren’t really what I wanted to address. I wanted to explain to y’all why no one talks about this. It’s simple: no one wants to admit that we’re getting old.

When you think of menopause, what comes to mind? An old gray-haired woman devoid of femininity? Some sitcom punch line about hot flashes? A woman who has lost her sex appeal and usefulness to society other than baking cookies and being someone’s grandmother? 

Society has made mid-life a joke for men and women. But while men can retain their power and sexual attractiveness well into their 50s and everyone knows men can still make babies no matter their age…there’s an unspoken, but understood bias that a woman’s sexual appeal is intricately connected to youth and her ability to bear children. And what is perimenopause if not the beginning of the end for your child-bearing years.

We live in a culture driven by the worship of youth. And yes, men fall victim to that, too, but not nearly to the extent that women face it.

Menopause feels like the nail in Youth’s coffin. If you didn’t already feel the world telling you you’re old, well, now you do. And who wants to feel that way? Seriously. You can stand there and spout your feel-good notions of age bringing wisdom, but deep down inside, most of us really just want to hide from the notion of our own mortality and feel beautiful and desirable for one more day.

The last thing anyone wants is to start looking down the chute that’s carrying us into Old Lady Town. And while things have absolutely changed with regard to aging and how people look and what they do at ages 50 and beyond, there’s just something primal and terrifying about it all if you feel like you don’t have agency over your aging. And so many people don’t. 

Again, kind of making a leap here, but I think Gen X women are some of the first to really be open and honest about a lot of the topics our mothers spoke about in whispers using code words like “female problems” and that our grandmothers didn’t even acknowledge.

We are opening up about it more, first with women our own age, then you younglings. It doesn’t have to be awful and it absolutely helps if you know it’s coming and how to arm yourself against its symptoms. But it comes for every woman and it is still scary to realize your time is running out.

So, forgive the women who haven’t felt ready to look their aging in the face. Even if YOU know the stereotypes aren’t true and understand that you’re still a lovely, intelligent, useful, and sexual being with purpose in the world, it can be really hard to confront your own aging in a society that constantly tells you otherwise.