Most mothers carry a tremendous burden around with them constantly – the weight of mental labor. Mental labor, or invisible labor, is the burden of the unseen, unrecognized tasks, thought processes, and effort of parenting and running a household. In married or partnered relationships, this burden largely falls to the mother.
Now, hold on! Before you hit the comment button, let me acknowledge two things:
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Yes, single mothers do have to carry this weight alone. It’s not easy and I’m sorry.
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Yes, Dads…not every dad. We know. Just hear me and the research out and ask your wife how she feels.
Now…that said, what I’m sharing comes from talking to countless partnered friends of my own and a January 2019 study by Arizona Sate University professor Dr. Suniya Luthar, published in the academic journal Sex Roles. Dr. Luthar’s study of 393 heterosexual married or partnered mothers found that 90% said they bore the sole responsibility for family scheduling. Seventy percent said they had sole responsibility for household chores – including assigning chores; as well as the everyday mundane tasks like helping kids with homework; coordinating carpools and practice schedules; planning meals and grocery shopping; not to mention time drains like finding lost items for other family members; buying gifts for parties; and coordinating child care, summer camps, and recreational activities.
In the last few weeks, I have had five different friends share how they’ve woken up in the night feeling panicked and overwhelmed, or broken down physically and/or emotionally, from carrying the weight of all the things they have to keep up with for their kids and home. From taking on the responsibility of finding contractors to do household repairs, to worrying about their kids’ health, grades, or emotional health, these moms carry for more mental load than their partners who, too often, assume it’s no problem to pass the buck on taking on these concerns. It’s no wonder my friends hit a wall in the month of May when the lists that never end get layered with worries over end-of-year grades, buying teacher gifts, graduation parties and gifts, and hoping the summer camps and childcare arrangements they’ve made don’t fall through. Not to mention trying to plan a summer vacation everyone will enjoy.
Let’s face it, mamas: Our minds and hearts are full.
And yes, it would be phenomenal if we shared all this with our partners and they stood up and took some of this on. Unfortunately, that probably won’t happen. At least not overnight.
Until we make that happen, what’s an overwhelmed, crazed, muddled mama supposed to do to calm her racing thoughts, breathe, and get a decent night’s sleep again? What if you take yourself to the River and immerse yourself in the Blue Mind experience?
Blue Mind is a scientifically proven state of mild meditation brought on by being on, in, or near a body of water.
While most pronounced at the beach, the Blue Mind state can be achieved near any body of water – creek, lake, river, waterfall…even swimming in a pool, sitting in a hot tub, or taking a long bath can help clear the mind and bring on a sense of peace. According to marine biologist and researcher Dr. Wallace Nichols, bodies of water help create a sense of peace by giving the mind a (mostly) serene and unchanging background on which to focus and allowing it to rest. The change of scenery is not insignificant…unlike driving or walking along a street when the mind is in search of danger or even sitting in your home where you are conditioned to look for the undone chore or sit on edge waiting for someone to need you, when you’re on or near the water, your mind can let its guard down, so to speak.
We are fortunate enough to live in Chattanooga where we have an embarrassing wealth of beautiful, natural waterways. The majestic Tennessee River, Lake Chickamauga, North and South Chickamauga Creeks, the Blue Hole in Soddy, Glen Falls on Lookout, and Rainbow Lake on Signal are just a few of the beautiful spots where you can immerse yourself in an experience that will leave you feeling refreshed and restored.
The Tennessee River has become my favorite and since last autumn, I have spent some time most Sunday mornings walking along the Tennessee Riverwalk in sight of the water.
Rain, sun, sleet and spitting snow…I’ve been out there with my dog experiencing the calm, peaceful, almost religious sense of being deeply connected to the earth and a sense of happiness and well-being that stays with me into the week. For 30 minutes to an hour as I walk past the blue-green or sometimes murky waters, crossing marshes or walking through wooded stretches that feel otherworldly, I listen to soft rain, wind, distant traffic, the chug of a passing barge, fussy mockingbirds, or the swoosh of a blue heron’s wings as it lifts off from the bank, and they become part of my meditation and I become weightless, untethered from the weight of failing grades, picky eaters, doghair tumbleweeds, missed dentist appointments, and the 30 other concerns paused in my brain.
I am one with the water, with nature. I feel free and I feel happy.
That peace stays with me, letting me return to my husband and kids and all the chores awaiting me feeling calmer and more in control. I can do a brain dump and prioritize, eliminate, delay, or delegate my list without despair.
To be honest, I never knew there was a name for this phenomenon or that the experience of it was something universal until talking about it with friends. One of them shared the book, Blue Mind by Wallace Nichols with me at that time. Before that, I only knew intuitively and from experience that I felt better, happier, and both more alive and more at peace, when I was on, in, or near the water.
I encourage you to make some time to experiment and experience Blue Mind for yourselves. If you’re lucky enough to have a boat, make a date with your partner to take it out without your kids. If not, schedule a date to kayak or paddle board with girlfriends; hike to Glen Falls or Rainbow Lake; or just take yourself for a walk on the Riverwalk (I’m happy to share my favorite sections if you comment) and give yourself time to rest and restore your mind. I promise you won’t regret it!
