In high school I wasn’t adventurous; I was the girl that was just desperately trying to blend in. Because of this, I was never one to try new styles whether it be hair or fashion. I avoided sticking out in any way. I was so self-conscious that I just wanted to get out of high school alive. This self-consciousness followed me into early adulthood. Any time I ventured out of my comfort zone, I would second guess my choices. I felt out of place and uncomfortable. I envied the girls I would see trying out new hairstyles and fashions. I wouldn’t dare take a leap and try something outside the box. If I could do it all over again, I would spread my wings early and explore my interests instead of caring what others thought.
When I first became a mom my focus was completely on my kids, which I think happens to the best of us. My kids were my life and still are, but it was to the point I lost myself in the process. I no longer had my own interests; I was no longer my own person. If you were to ask me at that time to tell you about myself, all I could say was I was a wife and a mom. I know this is something so many new moms go through. I threw myself into motherhood with everything I had. I loved it and yet at times felt so lonely. I no longer had the interests I once did, I didn’t even know where to start to find what interests I could possibly have. I was a skeleton of my former self and had no clue where to turn to find myself again.
I didn’t realize this was happening to other moms.
I felt isolated and alone, and I thought I was some kind of anomaly. A friend reached out to me recently which made me realize that this isn’t something I am alone in. It’s something so many moms and dads go through — it’s just this unspoken truth. The past year I have become more comfortable in my own skin. I have ventured out of my comfort zone enough to find what I like. Before now, I didn’t focus on what I liked but rather on what I thought I was supposed to like. Ridiculous now that I look back on it, but true.
Finding myself has been a long process.
I had to become comfortable in my own skin, flaws and all. I had to allow myself to do what I wanted without fear of judgment. The judgment that I had feared my entire life. The judgment that kept me caged up up until now. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I got new piercings I had been wanting. I cut my hair and shaved a section of it. I bought the clothes I liked, not what I thought I “should” like. I realized if I wanted my kids to grow up without fear of judgment, I needed to lead by showing them it was okay to be your own person, and do what you feel comfortable with. I want them to know they can get a funky haircut because hair grows back. They can wear what they want because they are their own person. They can explore this world we live in without fear of being judged because they shouldn’t care what others think.
