I am a mom who suffers from anxiety. I thought it would get better when I had children, but it seems to be worse, and it scares me. It scares me because it is keeping me from being the mom I want to be. I am letting anxiety take over when I should be basking in the moments.
My anxiety seems to have come out of nowhere. I first experienced anxiety when I was in the fifth grade. Other than having the worst teacher ever, I don’t really understand what caused my anxiety to occur. But, there I was, in fifth grade dealing with panic attacks. After a few more episodes of anxiety around this time, I was placed on a medication and in therapy. All I remember about the medication was that it was a clear liquid and did not taste good. As for the therapy, it seemed to be going okay. But, while I did seem to get better with my anxious episodes, I don’t remember ever being told why I was anxious nor why I was having panic attacks all of a sudden.
It seems as though my anxiety would hit for a while and then I would get better for a while. I wasn’t always on a medication for my anxiety. It was on it only during the “rough” periods of time where I would need to be on something. So, when I was trying to become pregnant, it was during a period where my anxiety was manageable without medication.
During my pregnancy, I was good when it came to suffering from panic attacks and anxiety. While I did worry a lot throughout my pregnancy because Easton was my “Rainbow Baby,” I never had a full-blown anxiety/panic attack.
However, once he was born, it was a different story.
I don’t know if it was the sleep deprivation, the overwhelming emotions that come about after having a child, or the wonderful hormones, but I will never forget that first panic attack I had after Easton was born. I was at my mom’s house, and we had family in from out-of-town to visit Easton. Everything was going fine and then, boom. The overwhelming panic was coming through my body. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I was going to faint. I knew instantly what was happening. The panic attacks and anxiety were back, and I was about to enter another “rough” period.
As you might have read in my previous posts, my road to motherhood was filled with a lot of surgeries and a lot of prayer. Therefore, I felt having this anxiety was misplaced. Here I was, and I had my dream baby. So, why I am I full of anxiety and panic attacks?
I wish I could say it has gotten better since that day, but this rough patch has lasted for years. I am still fighting anxiety. While I am currently in therapy and on medication, I am still fighting my anxiety every single day. What is worse is that it is causing me to miss out on important moments.
Every morning I wake up praying anxiety or a panic attack will not appear. I wake up praying today will be the day that I can just live my life and enjoy moments with my family. I am tired of anxiety keeping me from attending certain events my children have or taking my children places to make memories. I am tired of texting my friends because I am having another attack or having my husband take over because I just can’t deal with life because of anxiety.
Life is happening and I am missing it.
Easton just turned four-years-old in April and my step-daughter Autumn is going to be a senior in high school this year. I have already missed so much these last four years because of my anxiety and I don’t think I can take much more of it. I just want to live, but I keep letting my anxiety win. I keep letting my panic attacks win.
I struggled with anxiety during my pregnancy and after my baby came I had panic attacks too. Running and training for a race has helped me a lot with my anxiety. So has prayer and giving myself permission to be anxious. I feel like I have missed out on things too because I was too anxious to do things. Try to get out of the house at least once each day. Take lots of pictures with your kiddos. Plan a trip with your family to make memories. Do the best you can and keep being an awesome momma!
Thank you so much! I am going to try this, as I have always wanted to run in a marathon!
Clinical psychologist here, is your therapist a specialist in cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety? There’s a specialty anxiety clinic here in Nashville, maybe Chattanooga has one too. Treatment of panic should include exposure therapy which involves purposely recreating physical sensations of panic in safe situations where you can have support with positive coping and relaxation skills to reduce symptoms. Jane’s suggestions are also great. I’ve found exercise is especially beneficial for my patients with anxiety.
Hi! Are you in the Chattanooga area?
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