Forgiveness. It’s a simple concept and is literally defined as to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake. Sounds easy enough right? Well in some situations it is. As kids, we were eager to forgive. Someone was mean to us one day at school and by the next day, we wanted to put all the anger behind us and carry forward with a new day. The thing is, as we get older, it isn’t as easy as it once was. The “hurts” become bigger and the emotions linger for longer at times when we feel as though there should be a map to forgiveness.
So how do we forgive when we just can’t seem to stop feeling hurt and anger?
I used to forgive others not because I truly forgave them, but because it was what I was supposed to do. Forgive and forget. That’s just how it is or so I thought. Then, when it came to bigger issues and hurts and betrayals I didn’t know how to move past the anger and pain to find peace. I thought forgiveness meant things went back to what they were before, but it doesn’t always happen like that.
Have you ever thought you had moved past something only to find yourself in the middle of those same emotions and anger, a storm that you thought had ended months before? That was me for months on end. I would say I had worked through the emotions, that I was past it, that I had accepted how things were, only to find myself angered at the mention of the person. It wasn’t a “I hate this person” kind of anger. It was more of a “I hate that I can’t let this go” kind of anger. An anger I hated but that I couldn’t get rid of. The truth was that I hadn’t spoken to this person in years. I thought I could forgive and move on without ever confronting them. I was wrong. I thought I could ignore the situation and move on, but again, I was wrong.
So one night I put it all down on “paper” and wrote out an email. I finally allowed myself to address what had happened between us. I talked about the hurt and the anger I had felt. But most importantly, I talked about the WHY. When it came down to it, I wasn’t mad at the person anymore; I was hurt by the fact they weren’t in my life anymore. Sounds absurd I know, but it was true. I would find myself thinking “so-and-so would love this” and “so-and-so wouldn’t believe how far we have come.” The thing was,”so-and-so” was no longer a part of my life and I hated that I even thought of them. I was mad that their decisions affected not only me, but my family as well. I hated that I couldn’t unhear the things they said. I was mad that I was even having this conversation. But saying all of that started a healing process within me and I actually was able to forgive.
Today, forgiveness looks different from how it did in elementary school. What I would give to be transported back to simpler times, where a simple “I’m sorry” fixed everything and forgiveness meant everything resumed where it all left off. Now it isn’t that easy. You aren’t able to simply forgive and forget. Sometimes forgiveness is allowing yourself to move on past the hurt, to finally hand over the anger and to accept things will never be as they once were, but in the end they are exactly how they need to be for you and that’s okay.
