Raising My Sons as Feminists

March has been officially designated by the U.N. as Women’s History Month. It is a short period of time set aside for us to recognize the enormous contributions and struggles of over half the world’s population.

It is as necessary as it is important for us to reflect on the barriers we have broken, and how much we have yet to achieve.    

Recently a friend teased me about how disappointing it must be to be a mother of only boys considering that I’m such a ‘strong feminist.’ I laughed and replied something about the ability for boys to also be feminists. But it got me thinking. While I confess a tinge of anxiety for my boys growing and learning to navigate in the #futureisfemale movement as it firmly takes hold in our cultural conversation, the bigger part of me couldn’t be more excited about it.

Yes I only have sons, and yes they have a place in the women’s movement. 

We have spent a lot time and effort — and still need to — telling our girls that they can be whatever they choose. They can be powerful, they should lean in, and be heard. It’s amazing, and we have reason to believe that it’s working! What we are seeing is that girls are quickly outpacing boys in all levels of academia, and entering career paths traditionally dominated by males.

That is a wonderful thing; but what does it mean for our boys?

Shouldn’t they also hear from us that they can be whatever they choose, even if that choice has been historically geared toward females? Can’t our boys also be elementary school teachers and nurses? Certainly, I’m aware they are many examples of men in these fields, but the overall numbers imply a gender demarcation that is unfortunate and unnecessary.

My five-year-old son asked me recently if boys could be ballerinas or if that was only for girls. I felt a little sick. Never has he heard such a thing from his dad or me, but simply spending five years of life in this revenue-hungry, market-driven culture has created these gender stereotypes in his brain. And while I can’t control the way toys and clothes are marketed to my kids, I can control their exposure and our family language around it.

I want to encourage my sons to embrace the characteristics in themselves that are too often associated with the feminine.

For example, studies show that boys and girls cry at the same rate until around age five, where boys take a steep drop in feeling comfortable expressing their emotions in that way. Emotional outpouring that was once released in tears often shifts to anger and aggression. That serves no one, least of all, them. We can do better to make sure our boys know that tears are okay and will be met with our love and support. 

Similarly, so many boys also have natural proclivities towards nurturing and care-taking, and that should be celebrated! I’m embarrassed to admit that it took weeks of my three-year-old son whining about wanting a sister before my older son suggested to me with enormous exasperation, ‘Mom, just get him a doll he can take care of please!’ Why didn’t that occur to me? 

I remind myself that I have more obligation than simply mothering young boys; I want to raise good men. So it’s important that they see strong role models in both their parents, who share decision making and household responsibilities. That means slowing down and making the extra effort to oblige when my sons ask to help cook dinner, sweep the floors, and push the buttons on the washer. If they see a mom who insists on doing everything without help or anyone else’s input, how does that teach them anything? How can they know what should be expected of them as someone’s partner in life or how to even care for themselves? 

Speaking of raising good partners, our boys are never too young to be taught healthy self-respect and respect for others.

Given the beautiful ferocity of the women’s movement as it relates to sexual violence, our boys deserve frequent and fiercely blunt conversations about the nature of consent in all its forms. We spend lots of time teaching our girls how to avoid being victims. We need to spend an equal amount of time, if not more, teaching our boys how not to victimize and to be a loud advocate in the event of witnessing abuse of any type. Empathy is something we can and should cultivate in our boys. There are many wonderful resources to explore on how to encourage empathetic behavior in our children. Here is one example.

As moms, we know that how our boys view us now will matter in their future. Recently I began spending more time away from home to help run a social activist organization I helped co-found. My son asked me a few days ago, ‘Mom, why are you always talking about social justice?’ I explained to him that I am trying to make this city a better place for him, his brother and all the kids who live here. ‘You mean sorta like a super hero?’ he asked. My knee-jerk response was to minimize my efforts, but I paused and thought about it for a moment and said, ‘Yea buddy, exactly like a super hero!’ I hope he always sees me that way.  

Boys are great! They are loving, affectionate, and curious. They cry, they make poop jokes. They pick flowers and hunt for bugs. They are a complex mosaic of emotion and energy. May we never stop encouraging them to embrace their whole selves — that includes half of mom. The definition of feminism is quite simply the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes. Now I ask how can we NOT raise our sons as feminists? Boys need strong women too. May they know them, may they love them, and may they be raised by them!

Happy Women’s Month Mamas!